The song goes, "finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's okay." The people who KNOW me, know that it's funny I would be at a loss for words, and there are times recently that I have medically been at a loss for words and those times can be frustrating.
Through the loss of words spiritually, I have learned to listen more and it is very refreshing. I made reference to the "Binford 5000" recently and if there was a literal motor on my mouth it would be a "Binford 5000". I have been around a lot of people in my life and they like to talk over me and or not allow me to speak, SO when I am given a chance I tend to RUN with it.
It was in a small group at a previous home church where I was led to hush up. I had begun to speak and I felt as if God was saying ~hush up for a while, you won't get to share tonight and it's okay, sometimes you need to be quiet because these people are speaking into your life TOO. ~ OHHHH, it goes both ways...okay. As if I was there to share and they were there to listen...well I wanted that to be the case so desperately. I was home with children all day everyday and I just wanted an adult to listen and nod. It is great to have adults who can just listen, but they need that in return and there is a place for it and a half hour small group session is NOT the place to babble. Now this is not for everyone or for all the time. If I am in a low place and I need to be lifted up and that is my only opportunity, I am not going to feel bad, and I do not judge others based on my own findings.
In the small group where I felt this leading, I was surrounded by a lot of life experience and wisdom. I was the second youngest and there was a decent age gap between me and the others. Many of them only shared a couple minutes and then let someone else share. I also noticed they usually shared just their key take aways or key things which could bless someone else in the group.... My ADHD mind found this to be a new twist...not every thought about the Bible study had to be shared... hey come on, I LOVE to talk! I left the first small group session when I stayed quiet with this odd feeling like maybe I was a bit mad at God for the leading to be quiet. I mean He knew I was never listened to and He knew how much I needed to let things out. It was around this same time I had finally had an answer to my prayer for a "best friend". I had always had friends but not a "best friend", so in exchange for being quiet in small groups I would take over my conversations with my best friend, she let me so I did it. I then kept remembering the line my dearest friend in Christ shared with me which was shared with her, " If you want a good friend you have to be a good friend". OUCH!!! Okay so no over talking in small group, no monopolizing the conversation with my bestie... Gee Lord is there anyone outside of my family I CAN talk to???? To which God's reply would probably be "OUCH"....OHHHH Lord, forgive me....You ....it's YOU, I need to talk to, YOU.
So I stepped out in faith and began to talk to God about the things I wanted to share with other people. But to my dismay, I did not feel like I had gotten the things weighing on me off of my shoulders. I went back to dumping it all out on my bestie. Praise God she is a good one, because she is still my bestie after about two years of my motor mouth. This went on for a while and then God moved our family to over an hour away from my family and home church. I was so sure I would make the drive to my home church, then once moved, I realized there was NO way I could afford to drive over two hours round trip three to four times a week for all the Bible studies. Once we found a home church in our area it took me almost a year to have enough faith to go there more than just Sundays. I was certain we could not afford the almost 30 min one way trip to church...After much social isolation and learning of yet another healthy set back, I finally started to go to church more than just Sundays and it was like a weight was lifted and I felt free. My first small group is one in which each person gets an opportunity share and it is limited to 3-5 minutes and there are guidelines. I thought SWEET! I do well with following rules when I know them and this allows me to share but not go crazy. I eventually made it to small groups where the limits were off and I have done pretty well.
During the course of the time before the finding the new home church and even still, I have been through a TON of painful things, that have at times literally brought me to my knees. I have learned, the hard way, that God IS my go to problem dropper. I don't JUST drop my problems at His feet. I am also there daily with my praise and thanksgiving as well. I learned not only can I NOT be the only person talking in a conversation...otherwise there is no conversing to make it a conversation, but I also cannot trust everyone I share things with AND ONLY God truly understands me completely. He knows every tiny detail of my life.
When I share with Him now I am not hindered as I once was...I was watching my words and trying to say the "right thing" as if God was not seeing my heart and reading it, it's like looking at a red square and asking someone to tell you what they see and they say it's a yellow circle. You know it's not because you can see it, they know you can see it too, so why are they answering you incorrectly? Why was I holding back? If I wanted to shout out "GOD, IT'S NOT FAIR!!" I used to say something like " Lord I don't understand it but I know all things work for my good." ...well of course that is true and my heart does know that too, but it aches because life can be painful and people can be hateful and sometimes things aren't fair... This doesn't mean it is okay for me to act like a spoiled brat, but if God knows I am a spoiled brat, why try to hide it???(and thank God life isn't fair because Christ died on my cross in my place and that is the best kind of "not fair")
I had to let go and let God. He already knew so I needed to free myself from thinking I could paint a prettier picture of my heart when I went to Him. He needed my permission, because He gave me free will and so far I had cut Him off of changing my heart in some areas. So I let Him into the ugly places in my heart and today I am light years away from where I was even a few months ago...but I am nowhere near "arriving". So I will keep on, keeping on.
I honestly love talking to JUST God about some things. Just tonight even, I was about to pick up the phone and share my stinking thinking with someone and once I stopped myself, the second time I was going to call someone and share, I hit the wrong button on the phone which made me think about what I was about to do and I stopped finally the third time I stopped myself again. So it is still very tempting and I still slip up from time to time, but I am better at learning to just trust God. Somethings are not worthy of sharing anyway. Sharing the stinking things does nothing for the person stuck listening and it hurts how they see me and just reinforces stinking thinking in me.
Finding me, started with finding Him. I have told people before about me wanting to just share things with God and I get a lot of feedback about how I do have to let it out. Again this is not for everyone this is just what I have found for me...For me, it's nice to have support BUT I will not share everything with even my most trusted friends and family. Only God can heal the hurt and only God can clean my heart. So for me it makes sense that somethings are shared with only God.
James 1:19 My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
Wisdom and strength belong to God; counsel and understanding are His.
No wisdom, no understanding, and no counsel will prevail against the Lord.
casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.
Dear Lord, You are gracious and so worthy of all our praise. I pray for anyone who needs to know love with knows no limits that they find it in You, the only one who can give it. I pray their aching hearts are cleaned and mended by You, then only one who can clean and mend them. May we all listen much and be slow to speak and may our speech always be edifying. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.
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