"Farther along" Some day I'll understand why

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IctD9l4F-ag&list=FLpUpD9zO6pq8-BaKZP-TXfg&feature=mh_lolz

So I am on a roller coaster and it is one most travel on alone.  Alone on the ride makes a person sad...with a partner...well that makes a person MAD.  This ride began for a loved one before it did for me.

 After years of trying to get a Dr. to follow through my loved one, I'll call Paige, found out she had a brain tumor.  It was called an acoustic neuroma or a vestibular schwanomma, I joke now and say " You say schwanomma and I say neuroma...(potAto potato, tomAto tomato) and I CAN make fun now, cause I am in the same boat...almost the exact same boat.  I was diagnosed with the same tumor just days ago.

I was pregnant and nursing my children for so long I did not want to check into why my hearing was bad and I had many other symptoms.  I am not a person to complain about what ails me and I would tell myself, " You are a mom, that's why" or " Your grandmother was a clutz too" and so on.  So after finding out my hearing loss was not related to a loud noise like I had assumed, I was told to get an MRI and I fully expected the MRI to show nothing. I had fought the enemy's thoughts of MS since I had many muscle issues but really I was not expecting to hear what I did.  I called the Dr. at Paige's suggestion and then I waited a long 2 hours for the office to call back with the MRI results.  Hearing the Dr. say the same thing he had told Paige actually had me wondering if I was actually hearing him talking to me or replaying what I thought he would have said to her.  I had him repeat what he said, I told him I was fine and then nearly fell over right after I said that.  I was given an appointment to discuss "options".  Paige came with me and that was great, it just would have been better if she was not going through the same thing and she feels the same about me.  We joked and laughed in spite of the diagnosis.  She tries to be strong for me, I can tell....her cape gives her away.  I try to be strong for her too. 

I have faith and I trust God, I don't blame Him even in the slightest bit.  Do I have questions?  Oh yah. Am I strong enough to hold everything together I had been plus this on top of it...NOPE...but ^ HE is... and I am leaning into HIM and physically on Paige and all who love me.  I like to have ears to bend but I want mine bent right back, I don't want sympathy and I SURE DON'T want empathy, I don't feel sad for myself but obviously I would not choose this.

 So enough on that, the good from this which I am seeing already???

• The empathy I DON'T want, well I have it now for Paige and others in similar situations.    Empathy is an ugly beauty.  
• I take Christ with me when I go to the Dr. and He was there the first day I met the ENT surgeon who looked at me like I was on drugs when he came in and I was smiling.  I actually did a few minor face checks thinking maybe I had something on my face...why was this guy looking at me like that? 
• I am much cooler around my children and I express my feelings better...I now realize I am not "mad" at what they did, my feelings were hurt.  I am not angry I expected more.  etc.
• I am taking in more ah ha moments.
• I am granting myself more grace.
• I am getting the glasses I have needed for years and always told myself we could not afford.
• I am getting shoes that fit for the same reason as above.
• I am actually starting projects and going further with them.

and more... I am not doing these things because I think I am going to die...I am doing them because I KNOW I am going to...SOMEDAY... we all will...or get raptured...that sounds nice too. I realize my life is worth more than I once thought it was.  As a character in " To Save A Life" said "What's the point in all of this if you are not going to let it change you?"  I want to be more Christ like and I am thankful, truly, through everything. 

Matthew 6:25-34
[ Do Not Worry ] “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ...via biblegateway.com


God bless

Running in wedge heeled shoes

On a beautiful day when I was feeling like I was 22 still, my younger sister challenged me to a race from my grandparents porch to my mother's porch...one house away.  I am always up for a race...even in wedge heeled shoes.  I took off and in my mind I could see myself falling but in my heart I truly felt I would run hard and at least tie with her.  My over excitement in the moment caused me to laugh harder than I was running and I began to double over.  I knew I was a gonner the shoes were my downfall and I was an awkward mess crash landing behind my sister as she turned to get a good view of a goof ball rolling in the front yard in front of nearby traffic.  I hit the ground hard in a very stuntman like body tuck and roll.  Grass stained and in a tad bit of pain I stood laughing at the thought of what I must have looked like.

Some would say that I thought myself to failure, some would say my mind tried to warn me, others would say I should have known better all together.  I say...it was a blast and I'd do it all over again.  The goal was to beat her or at least tie, to show that this older sister still had it in her, but the accomplishment was better then the goal... A memory that we both still talk about and laugh over. 

There are many people who would have been embarrassed to fall so publicly or have their ego crushed because they failed at what they set out to do, maybe angry because they were grass stained etc.  But for me...at least that time, I was just loving life and thankful I was not actually injured.

When I look at my life right now, it reminds me a lot of running in wedge heeled shoes.  I set out with one goal in mind and I failed miserably at reaching that goal, but I have choices as I fall in my stuntman style roll, I can be a sour puss or I can take in every moment and just enjoy the life I've been given knowing that the thing yet to be accomplished is going to be soooo much better than what I set out for....if I allow it to happen.  

I can't ask to be without the grass stains and bruises, but I CAN wear them with a heart of thanksgiving which says " this life is messy, but God, it's good.  It's painful but the growth that comes from the pain is worth the journey through it.

I bend and I sway,
At times it seems too hard to pray.
My pride I swallow, yet it has hands and nails which dig in.
I am weighted under a million pounds of anger and grief.
I am against myself, my own worst enemy.
It seems I am standing inside myself
I hear an angry woman,
she is crushed and broken,
she is afraid and ashamed.
I cry for her, she can't hear me, I beg her to stop and just move on. 
She is not acknowledging me.
I hear the Holy Spirit gently calming her.
Slowly she gives way and I notice that angry woman was me.
It is hard to see past the haggard glazed expressionless face  
Broken alone and defeated I force a smile.
I gather up just enough strength to make it the next mile.
I tell myself it won't happen again, no evil done to me will get me to give way to pride and anger again.
But I know the only way OUT is IN. 
Inside of me are dandelions and carnations,
they cannot live in harmony one must go.
To remove the dandelions I must be sure to get the root and the seed.
So one by one on my knees I will gently remove each weed and it's seeds.
I will push on for the garden I long for, the one full of the gorgeous wonderfully fragrant carnations.

Today I begin a new chapter in this life and it requires more faith than I have every had to have.  I have suffered 4 pregnancy losses and had faith to endure past the first loss for two beautiful babies, then faith after the next three losses for two more beautiful babies.  God I am blessed beyond measure.  I have been standing in faith for relationships to be restored and Melanoma to not return or be found anywhere else.  But this time it is more.  I fight to keep all I fought for and to keep it the way I believe it was promised.  I press on knowing anything that would be lost would not be God's fault, and with all lost there is so much more I gain.  I am happy and blessed with any outcome because I have already won.  Thank You Jesus! 

God bless