So confession...this is how I have felt two nights in a row...I know just how blessed I am and how bad some people truly have it, yet I end up on my knees crying before God and asking for help. Things come against me from every angle and the weight of my world comes down on me. I have asked for prayer many times for a lot of things and I at times get teary eyed but this last time I stepped forward for prayer I wanted to ball my eyes out I tried to hold off any crying, because I personally hate crying in public yet I actually had a mild cry going on enough to send me to the restroom after prayer to clean up my raccoon eyes, nothing can be done for the Rudolph nose.
Today, I still had a stinging pain from the day before, yet each day is a new start and I was determined to make this one better...But plans change...
Here's how it went, started out productive, DJ had school, had him up, fed, dressed, teeth brushed etc. He was ready. I usually leave my two year old sleeping till close to time to take DJ to school. I take a diaper to her bed and the wipes I am ready to get her all fresh and ready to leave...then I noticed, sometime after she laid her sweet little head down last night she pooped...So we will NOT be on time for school today and she has what we call "ouchy butt". So I clean her up as she cringes the entire time and I mentally beat myself for not smelling her before I went to bed, since I went to bed after her. DJ being late would not be a big deal....except, the school he went to last year said if the assembly was still going on they were not late so we just dropped him off without a conflict. I did not find out this school was different until Friday when I went in to make sure his inhaler went with him on his field trip and they requested I sign him in since he was late...I was shocked...it was two minutes early when I pulled in and assembly was JUST starting. Also the handbook said "take up time" was X time so I thought that was when they started taking them...apparently not. Well I was happy I was newly informed and was positive we would be on time in the future...AHHHNNNNTTTT...not the case for the first day after my official informing.
So he had two hours at school, then we went to pick him up for the appointment. My two year old decided she wanted to sit in a little rocking chair behind the counter in the office...I defended the office area well for about two minutes and then the woman who worked there said she could sit in the chair. Two more minutes later and DJ arrived at the office and tried to sit in the little chair himself and my two year old bolted to the next open door, then further into the office past the chair...it was a great time...no, not really. So finally signed out we make our trip to the appointment at hand. Four minutes off my planned time...but still due to be early. Feeling like mom of the year I hand DJ a yogurt drink and he is thrilled...SCORE 1 for mom...
We arrive at the appointment and my two year old checks out the fish and runs through the waiting room. An older woman gives me THE eye as the receptionist asks me personal questions which can be heard by those near by. Although I feel judged I actually feel for her in this case, cause I know what the Word of God says about judgement. Now checked in I begin my trips to the water fountain and fish tank to keep my youngest angel happy. Praise God we are called early this time and when our name is called little angel shouts it out as loud as can be for all to hear as she cheers it is our turn!
Now for the weigh in. One child needs weighed but the other believes she needs weighed too. DJ is hanging on the bar in front of the scale and then stays on after he is asked by the nurse to move to the next station. Once I ask he then begins to move. Temp check we get a screech out of him as he cringes, this is one of his pet peeves...people touching his ears. We make it to the room and now it is time to block and defend the area again..."No don't touch the pc, no don't open the drawers, no don't play with the bp cuffs..." And that is just DJ. DJ then lays on the floor to watch a movie with his sister who then decides he makes a good trash can and she spits her gum out on him...I have little left in me and I actually laughed and tried to pull it back together to correct her young mind. Dr. gets in and it gets worse, same activity going on but now I must redirect and correct two children while trying to listen to the Dr., ask questions and give answers to questions being asked. And I wonder how it is I forget to ask things or forget what was told to me...lol So we make it to the examination and DJ is laying flat and will not sit up, insists the bed be raised to the sitting position...I find the "magic" word by the grace of God and he sits up, does much better for a while. We survive the examination and even the nurses test after, we are released and my little angel flies off toward the lab and DJ heads the opposite direction...both are the wrong way but I must choose who is more of a danger to themselves and others and I pick the little angel...rounding her up I chase down the other and head to check out, where little angel finds a door and decides to practice a near honed skill and pulls the handle down and heads out to the waiting area...DJ flies out after her and I get to her and grab her up into my arms...resting now nicely on her baby brother or sisters hiney in my tummy...The nurse follows out to scold DJ for running off from me...and I just practice my breathing as we finish the routine...which I pray is no longer the "routine" I pray it becomes the rare occasion and not the norm. We get to the van and at once I feel peace again...in my van...I am in control to some degree. I cannot control the noise level but they are strapped in and are going where I say they are going :D muwahahahaha. The remainder of the trip went well and DJ got back in time to finish school. This was just a four hour glimpse at the chaos that has gone on daily for some time. At the pharmacy I am told I am brave by the lady behind the counter after she asks me what number baby this is. She says 1 was all she could handle. I get a flashback of my recent moment on my hands and knees crying out to God and I say. "I wonder at times how I am going to do it, but it doesn't make me want this baby any less." I wish I had given God the glory, but those were not the words I had at the time...I miss opportunities to share His goodness and grace, the way He alone lifts me out of my pit, I miss teaching my children things from time to time, I spill food on my shirt, I have clothes I can't get stains out of, I get overwhelmed by life at times and I freeze and my house suffers and then I pay the price trying to catch back up...BUT I am growing and I am blessed. I love my children and I am so thankful God chose me to raise these particular children, I am thankful for the difficulties I face WITH them and the joy we get when we figure something out. I don't always show my gratitude outwardly...but He sees my heart. As the saying goes... "I am not as good as I want to be, as great as one day I will be, but thanks to God I am so much better than I used to be."
Philippians 1:6
I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
God bless
