Freeing...Relieving...Sweet...Honesty

I heard something on WBGL radio and as usual it was inspiring.  It would have been great to have the op to reshare...but here is what I retained, a person had posted on FB about how many times we post the highlights of our days and people only hear the good.  Many people get discouraged because they think our lives are great and we have it all together.  She was very open about how blessed she felt but yet still felt she could not do life on her own.  She thanked God she did not have to do life on her own.

So confession...this is how I have felt two nights in a row...I know just how blessed I am and how bad some people truly have it, yet I end up on my knees crying before God and asking for help.  Things come against me from every angle and the weight of my world comes down on me.  I have asked for prayer many times for a lot of things and I at times get teary eyed but this last time I stepped forward for prayer I wanted to ball my eyes out I tried to hold off any crying, because I personally hate crying in public yet I actually had a mild cry going on enough to send me to the restroom after prayer to clean up my raccoon eyes, nothing can be done for the Rudolph nose.

Today, I still had a stinging pain from the day before, yet each day is a new start and I was determined to make this one better...But plans change...

Here's how it went, started out productive, DJ had school, had him up, fed, dressed, teeth brushed etc.  He was ready.   I usually leave my two year old sleeping till close to time to take DJ to school.  I take a diaper to her bed and the wipes I am ready to get her all fresh and ready to leave...then I noticed, sometime after she laid her sweet little head down last night she pooped...So we will NOT be on time for school today and she has what we call "ouchy butt".  So I clean her up as she cringes the entire time and I mentally beat myself for not smelling her before I went to bed, since I went to bed               after her.  DJ being late would not be a big deal....except, the school he went to last year said if the assembly was still going on they were not late so we just dropped him off without a conflict.  I did not find out this school was different until Friday when I went in to make sure his inhaler went with him on his field trip and they requested I sign him in since he was late...I was shocked...it was two minutes early when I pulled in and assembly was JUST starting.  Also the handbook said "take up time" was X time so I thought that was when they started taking them...apparently not.  Well I was happy I was newly informed and was positive we would be on time in the future...AHHHNNNNTTTT...not the case for the first day after my official informing.

So he had two hours at school, then we went to pick him up for the appointment.  My two year old decided she wanted to sit in a little rocking chair behind the counter in the office...I defended the office area well for about two minutes and then the woman who worked there said she could sit in the chair.  Two more minutes later and DJ arrived at the office and tried to sit in the little chair himself and my two year old bolted to the next open door, then further into the office past the chair...it was a great time...no, not really.  So finally signed out we make our trip to the appointment at hand.  Four minutes off my planned time...but still due to be early.  Feeling like mom of the year I hand DJ a yogurt drink and he is thrilled...SCORE 1 for mom...

We arrive at the appointment and my two year old checks out the fish and runs through the waiting room.  An older woman gives me THE eye as the receptionist asks me personal questions which can be heard by those near by.  Although I feel judged I actually feel for her in this case, cause I know what the Word of God says about judgement.  Now checked in I begin my trips to the water fountain and fish tank to keep my youngest angel happy.  Praise God we are called early this time and when our name is called little angel shouts it out as loud as can be for all to hear as she cheers it is our turn! 

Now for the weigh in. One child needs weighed but the other believes she needs weighed too. DJ is hanging on the bar in front of the scale and then stays on after he is asked by the nurse to move to the next station.  Once I ask he then begins to move.  Temp check we get a screech out of him as he cringes, this is one of his pet peeves...people touching his ears. We make it to the room and now it is time to block and defend the area again..."No don't touch the pc, no don't open the drawers, no don't play with the bp cuffs..." And that is just DJ. DJ then lays on the floor to watch a movie with his sister who then decides he makes a good trash can and she spits her gum out on him...I have little left in me and I actually laughed and tried to pull it back together to correct her young mind.  Dr. gets in and it gets worse, same activity going on but now I must redirect and correct two children while trying to listen to the Dr., ask questions and give answers to questions being asked.  And I wonder how it is I forget to ask things or forget what was told to me...lol So we make it to the examination and DJ is laying flat and will not sit up, insists the bed be raised to the sitting position...I find the "magic" word by the grace of God and he sits up, does much better for a while.  We survive the examination and even the nurses test after, we are released and my little angel flies off toward the lab and DJ heads the opposite direction...both are the wrong way but I must choose who is more of a danger to themselves and others and I pick the little angel...rounding her up I chase down the other and head to check out, where little angel finds a door and decides to practice a near honed skill and pulls the handle down and heads out to the waiting area...DJ flies out after her and I get to her and grab her up into my arms...resting now nicely on her baby brother or sisters hiney in my tummy...The nurse follows out to scold DJ for running off from me...and I just practice my breathing as we finish the routine...which I pray is no longer the "routine"  I pray it becomes the rare occasion and not the norm.  We get to the van and at once I feel peace again...in my van...I am in control to some degree.  I cannot control the noise level but they are strapped in and are going where I say they are going :D muwahahahaha.  The remainder of the trip went well and DJ got back in time to finish school.  This was just a four hour glimpse at the chaos that has gone on daily for some time.  At the pharmacy I am told I am brave by the lady behind the counter after she asks me what number baby this is.  She says 1 was all she could handle.  I get a flashback of my recent moment on my hands and knees crying out to God and I say.  "I wonder at times how I am going to do it, but it doesn't make me want this baby any less."  I wish I had given God the glory, but those were not the words I had at the time...I miss opportunities to share His goodness and grace, the way He alone lifts me out of my pit, I miss teaching my children things from time to time, I spill food on my shirt, I have clothes I can't get stains out of, I get overwhelmed by life at times and I freeze and my house suffers and then I pay the price trying to catch back up...BUT I am growing and I am blessed.  I love my children and I am so thankful God chose me to raise these particular children, I am thankful for the difficulties I face WITH them and the joy we get when we figure something out.  I don't always show my gratitude outwardly...but He sees my heart.  As the saying goes... "I am not as good as I want to be, as great as one day I will be, but thanks to God I am so much better than I used to be." 

Philippians 1:6

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

God bless

Messy and at times uncontrolable

I was possibly the worlds worst planner.  I had a huge problem with procrastination.  After hearing the phrase "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." .  I began reevaluating my planning methods...or lack there of. 

I can say I am now a much better planner, although there are those who judge me often which may disagree, I know where I came from and I know where I am heading...God is my witness and that is ALL that matters.  That being said, being better still doesn't make perfect and people can still let you down. 

Feeling good about putting a plan in place over a month in advance, I sat back believing all was well.  I did not have a "plan B"  I did not see a need to, silly me.  Also plan B was not really an option, plan A maxed out my resources. 

My husband and I are far form made of money and when a plan which costs us very little backfires at the last minute and leaves us with our only options being; a huge expense or putting others in an imposition which makes it appear we were not on top of our game...unfortunately we must opt for the attempt to have others at an imposition too.

THAT being said, my attempts to "de-stress" my life from all unnecessary stress gets thrown out the window, and then add some pregnancy hormones on top and we have a not so great start to a week.  However the bright side of this all is...my character is intact.  I have not compromised who I am and what I believe.  What does this stem from?  My civic duty to serve on a jury. 

I enjoy learning things and I enjoy doing what is needed, being involved in what takes place in our government.  When asked if there were any hardships our family may experience as a result, I listed the lack of daycare for our children and the lack of funds to support daycare if needed and the cost of gas.  This was an honest answer and one which was not of concern to our system.  They do pay...2-4 weeks AFTER the duty has been fulfilled and the payment is far below the cost incurred if you are like me, a SAHM who has no need for a sitter and the people she knows and trusts are all NOT SAHMs, a woman who usually only makes out of town trips once every two weeks and tries to get all her things done at once to save on gas, who's husband is frequently on call and cannot be counted on as a care provider for the children, whose income makes it so we are living pay check to pay check. 

Since the system does not recognize this as a hardship, and I am called to serve I have only two choices, do it or lie.  I don't lie...so I serve, give God praise for the experience, pray for provision, peace in a crazy mess and thank Him for the people willing to make a sacrifice to help out in this time of chaos. 

While the jury duty crisis is ongoing so is "normal" life.  My 8 yr old is still experiencing the symptoms of ODD, ADHD and PTSD.  So while trying to hold all the everyday last minute planning together I have a toddler which believes the world revolves around her every need...the case of many toddlers and an 8yr old who also believes the world revolves around him and his every need.  Oh and there is the cell phone...yes, the nasty intrusion to life...which I am trying to not answer in times of chaos.  This may seem selfish, but really it is for everyone's protection.  I do not have to yell over my children screaming and I do not have to feel bad when I am rude or not attentive on the phone due to the chaos around me.  For some people their children can be hanging from the chandeliers and it doesn't seem to phase them...I am not "some people"  it DOES phase me and I cannot focus on any one thing well while this is going on.  Answering the phone is NOT fair to anyone involved.  (side note...I am not saying people are an intrusion, as long as the understand a cell phone doesn't mean I should be available 24/7)

This being said I am asked for a banana from my toddler while we are home.  The store is not far and I like bananas too...it is a good request.  I get the children suited up for leaving the home and we go to get some bananas.  Just as we arrive in the parking lot I get a phone call, this one I answer and ask if I can call back when I am done, then mid-sentence  the other line beeps in, I miss that caller and decide it is best to just call back later when I am home. While in the store at the check out, I can feel the eyes of a man on me and the children.  He appears to be smiling...but in sort of a shocked way, as I attempt to redirect my children from touching and grabbing everything in site and stopping the transaction a few times to get my toddler who is walking off and interested in what her brother who is not listening to instructions is doing.   I am sure at this point I look like the worst mom in the world and to top it off they can all tell there is another child on the way.  BUT, if there is one thing I have learned through all the stares I have gotten since my sons first two year old public meltdown to all his present public meltdowns, it's that God is my judge.  I know I am not always the Jesus to my children I need to be, but I am a work in progress and
Philippians 1:6

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I allow myself to learn from my mistakes and to take each experience and grow from it.  My mind can tend to wonder off to the "Why me Lord?  Why was I placed in an authority position over a child who seems as though they would do better being born to a Dr. or just a person who is naturally perking and able to always speak calmly and without sarcasm."  Then I realize...I am not God, and He chose me and He chose my children and their personalities to be with me, under my care and guidance.   Although from the outside looking in I look like more of a mess than I am, and although many people see me at my most stressed out moments when there is MUCH to critique...God seems me 24/7 every moment of my life and of their lives and He knows this momma's heart, her struggles, weaknesses and strengths and HE alone is judge.  He is just and such a patient Father to me.  He guides me and strengthens me.  Most importantly to my sanity...He forgives me...Thank God He forgives.

Special hugs to all mommas and daddies alike, who are feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood, God has got your back, trust in Him and draw nearer to Him and He will draw nearer to you.

James 4:8
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

Did I say I was over it?

Not sure...but did I say I was over "it"?  Cause I don't believe I was. 

My heart always wants to let go of things I have no business holding on to and somethings I have no business even caring about. Every time I open the Word there is something I feel I need to take away for my growth. Every resource I have read and every great speaker/preacher I have ever heard has given me great tools.  As I apply what I have learned to my life I begin to feel I have overcome another stronghold.  Yet often times I fall back into it, little by little.  So little I do not notice I am going back to old ways.

There are many things I was freed from in an instant and I say completely...meaning they may be a temptation but I know to submit to God and not the temptation and I went far enough down the road in the temptation in my past to know there is no life for me on that road.  So it seems, at times, for me,  I need to hit a rock bottom in every stronghold before I am truly freed from it.

For instance we will go with my biggest pet peeve... "The Liar".  I am not saying everyone who has been in my life has been a liar and I am not saying I never lied about anything myself.  What I am saying is I have been surrounded by various liars in my life at all times of my life since I was old enough to know what I lie really was.  My hatred for lies is so deep in me I sin myself trying to unmask the liar and expose the truth.  My hope?  To not hurt again and to get them on the straight and narrow path.  My outcome, a liar is still a liar..."I" can't fix that.  No amount of detective work will ever (more than likely) change a person who lies. 

So let's go back a few lines here... : "My hope?  To not hurt again..."   Let's take a look at hurt...It is said "Hurting people hurt people."  It is odd because in the past I almost always used this directed at those who hurt me.  I hadn't really saw my self as a hurt person who hurt others....but I was and I still can be.

The pain I have felt in my life can, if not dealt with properly, can cause me to judge every person based on what others have done and it could cause me to react to them in a hurtful way...Some say "kill or be killed" well for many of us who have lived a life full of pain...self inflicted or inflicted by others, it is "hurt or be hurt". 

In my many years of playing detective, actively and inactively I learned not that long ago, it was not helping anyone and it was actually hurting me more.  Still the thought of not knowing the truth was getting me so worked up I could barely function, as a mom, a wife, a friend...a child of God...  I think it took three separate times of a Pastor at our church saying "Your ability to resist temptation is in direct line with your submission to God"  before I got what it meant in my life ( I quoted this but it may not be word for word...but this is the meat of it for sure.)  Hearing that sure stung...but I was initially thinking more about my ability to stay away from too much "free time" and things like that.  But the last time I heard him say it I believe I got it...I grabbed it and applied it at least, I may not be healed of the detective tendency but I am definitely surrendering my will to His now.

Being an investigator is something GOD made me to be...BUT I had OVER applied what HE gave me.  In my past I have had two full time jobs where investigating various things was my actual job.  I took that gift and brought it into my personal life where God never intended it to be.   No matter how good I am at playing detective I will never be as good as God at it.  He knows before the person does anything...He knew before they were born, at this moment in their life they would do _____.   He had a plan for this before they were born.  I needed to step out and step DOWN.

By doing just that...stepping out of the way and stepping down,  I have been able to regain more of my life I had given up to playing detective for no pay and no lasting reward.  My husband's lunches are better prepared for his surprise trips on call and I can think of his needs more...which his back and feet enjoy.  My 2 year old can sing the alphabet with me and we play more one on one games, my middle child is completing practice education for the next grade and sharing stories with me, my oldest is being heard and really seen for who he is and who he is becoming more.  My house is staying clean and does not need me to stay up half way into the morning to accomplish the task.  My family/friends get more time to talk (I am a talker by nature too)  I do not redirect the conversation as much to my need to "vent".

See seeking the truth is still important to me...yes seeking the TRUTH is still very important. 

John 14:6
Jesus told him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.

So if there is an area you are struggling in, don't give up.  Keep praying, I still do for this and other areas of weakness.  Pray for Him to strengthen you, pray to be the person He wants you to be and then take the steps to draw nearer to Him and to live your life as if He were you...what would He do in each case?  How would He handle that?  Could He still be a great healer if He focused mostly on _____?  Could He be great at all He was called to do without living life as the Father directed Him to?  We are NOOOO Jesus, but we are strengthened by Him and..."God does not call the equipped He equips the called."  We've all been called to something, and He has equipped us to handle this calling.  He has also done this for us...

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it.

Whatever your temptation, it is not too great for Him to handle. Seek Him and look for the biblical way of escape from the temptation and take the escape.

Philippians 3:13-15
Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. Therefore, all who are mature should think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you. God bless

So painful, so freeing

I finished reading "Marriage From God's perspective" by Robb Thompson, my second book in a month...might I add :)  I must say, there were times my anger flared...but I had to ask myself, " Why is my anger flaring?  Am I angry at the Pastor who wrote this book?  Am I angry at God who designed us?  Am I angry with my husband...or am I angry with me?"

The painful truth was... I was angry with me.  I was angry because I had let MY feelings get in the way of God's plan for my life and my marriage. 

Let me tell you if you have never heard clearly from the enemy you might just hear him in your ear at every line which describes you in this book and he will even try to get you to focus on the lines which speak to your spouse...BUT

^{John 10:4-5
4} After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.”So I am saying "shut up" to the enemy throughout the book and shut up to my flesh.

My daughter who is 2, has liked to throw toys at her 8yr old brother.  She knows he will run and take cover, this to her is a game.  It hasn't mattered what discipline she has been given she still has gone back to throwing toys at him.  One day I said to my son, "Why don't you redirect her attention to another game?  Offer to play blocks with her, and actually let her play."  He tried my advice and sure enough she sat down peacefully and they worked together to build things with the blocks.

My 8yr old was under attack at no fault of his own, though his dodging created a game atmosphere for her, he did nothing to encourage her to begin to throw toys at him.  He, not being at fault, was still in control of the situation.  Once he changed...she changed. 

This was very painful for my 8 yr old, he does not like to take advice especially when he is being asked to be the "bigger person".  Much like his pain, we all face pain too when we have to be the bigger person.  The enemy likes to remind us that we are the ones that always have to be the bigger person and that maybe the other person will just not come around to our efforts and we will always be the bigger person without any reward here on this earth.  But with submission to God and prayer our efforts will not be in vain and a little pain(emotional) now or even a lot of pain(emotional) is so worth the outcome of submission to His ways.  My son still gets attacked by his sister, and he does not always remember my advice, but that lesson is still in his mind and I still remind him of how well it worked.  She still gets my discipline too, but nothing works as well as her brother getting down and playing games and such with her.

This works in lots of areas of our life but as I read in the above mentioned book, it is a great tool in our marriages as well.  If our spouse is not meeting our needs, or is not following God's plans for marriage, we still need to submit to what God expects from us.  When we choose to go our own way and act out on our feelings we end up not only pushing our spouse further away from God's plan, we end up further away ourselves and we develop a pattern which is hard to break.

So...painful to hear that no matter what (unless physical and severe mental abuse, in these cases seek professional/Pastoral help immediately) we need to keep on with God's design for our marriage...but after the initial pain there is freedom and peace.  Freedom and peace because it is in God's hands and we know we are walking in His ways and that is all we are in control of...ourselves.

Matthew 5:8-9

⁸ The pure in heart are blessed,
for they will see God.
⁹ The peacemakers are blessed,for they will be called sons of God.

Psalm 119:112

I am resolved to obey Your statutes to the very end.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

⁴ since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments ⁵ and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ.

Being a "DOER" of loving kindness

"I'm sure Linda sometimes thinks I am hypocritical because I don't always do the very things I teach others to do.  But the truth is, although I have a gift to teach God's Word, I don't have a gift to live it.  I have to learn to apply it to my life just like you do.  Therefore, although I know I have faults, I refuse to camp around them.  I just work on getting better at doing the Word!"  ~Robb Thompson, taken from Marriage From God's Perspective

This has been a favorite paragraph so far.  This goes for marriage and life in general.  Christians are not perfect and should not pretend to be.  Making mistakes does not make them/us any less a Christian.  Condoning mistakes and covering them up and not wanting to turn from them separates us from our relationship with God and it doesn't make us less saved but it does take away from us being DOERS of the Word.

I am amazed at reading these books on marriage at how many men/women want to "change" their spouse into themselves.  I firmly believe I would NEVER have married Doug if he was JUST like me.  As much as I bump heads with my child who is a lot like me, I know Doug and I would have never worked out.  There is a great reason we are different, he sees what I do not as I see what he does not, neither of us "right"  or "wrong" , just different.  (<also explained in "Do Your Kids A Favor and Love Your Spouse, by Kendra and John Smiley)

When our spouse truly sins and we want that sin removed for THEIR good, that is not trying to "change" them.  But we must remember prayer and gentle kindness work, abusive words, hate filled actions or words and actions out of hurt lead them away.  Prayer takes time so does gentle kindness, but as I just read while typing this...

Galatians 6:9-10
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Prayer does not necessarily take time because God doesn't want our sin or our spouses sin gone from us, it takes time because He is working with our own free will.  If Doug wants me to yell less when I am angry with a mound of things coming against me and he thinks yelling at me will solve my anger...he is gonna receive my yelling directed at him. (Doug doesn't yell...just a hypothetical example) Even when we know we are wrong...when we are dealt with harshly by others we tend to go into defense mode. Often we begin to think " Who are you to call me out on my sin...you do ______" and we turn the conversation around and off of us.

So important take aways...do not try to change the fact that your spouse is different...like he/she folds their socks instead of rolling them or he/she drives the speed limit and you speed...but it is NOT trying to change your spouse when they have a sin and you pray for them to remove the sin from their lives and encourage them in gentle loving ways to turn from the sin. (addictions and physical/mental abuse are different issues and Pastoral/professional/legal help should be sought.)

Psalm 38:18

So I confess my guilt; I am anxious because of my sin.
Proverbs 28:13

The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.
James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The urgent request of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect.
1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
For me personally even if Doug did yell at me for yelling, I am a person who USUALLY recognizes my sin, so I would still probably stop and take a check of myself, and though the devil would tempt me with taking a look at Doug's sins, I would more than likely not entertain that thought either, because I had done it enough in my past and heard enough wisdom from my elders that "the only person I can change is me." So it would do me no good to look at his sins or to look at his to justify mine.  Sin CANNOT be justified.  We are told....

Psalm 4:4

Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still.Selah
Ephesians 4:26

Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,
and we mustn't forget the golden rule...

Matthew 7:12

Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them—this is the Law and the Prophets.

^ Now this verse needs to be taken the right way too...I would like people to be blunt and frank with me...but most people are not that way...so wisdom is needed, I can't go skipping around expecting great results if I am telling people..."your clothes are too tight"  "Your make-up is too thick", " Speeding is breaking the law and the Word says to obey the law of the land.  Romans 13:1-7" :D It would not end well for me...I think people would gather in the streets at night with torches and plot their plan to take me down...lol

So once again I end with this reminder...

Ephesians 6:12

¹² For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.

We are NOT in battle against the people in our lives, but we must understand the enemy wants to ruin our relationships marriage and other.  He knows the power we have when we are in agreement and married and when we stand in agreement as the body of Christ...His church.  So he will do what he can, feeding us thoughts of who done who wrong, convincing us we are justified for sinning because of ___________.  The enemy will work through us and others if we/they allow him to.  So it's best to let our words be few and to pray before we speak. 

God Bless

A new addition to this journey...

Not too long ago I went into the Dr.'s office for a prenatal appointment and just thought I would ask about an issue I had been having for a few weeks with my lungs which did not seem to be clearing up with time and treatment.  The Dr. listened and said it sounded like pneumonia and was ready to give me antibiotics.  I asked for a test to confirm that I needed antibiotics and it turns out the form of pneumonia which is treatable with antibiotics was not found so I took nothing and continued to eat well and rest.  A week later I was due into my other Dr.'s office for a problem I had been healed of, so I decided to keep the appt. and ask about her thoughts on my lungs.  She requested me to put on a poncho, which I have not had a Dr. ask me to do before.  This was done so she could listen to my lungs more clearly, most Dr.s just go under the shirt or on top.  Mind you it was summer so my shirt was thin anyway. 

The Dr. actually lifted the poncho in the rear to listen to my lungs and when she did she stopped and turned her attention to a mole I had on my back.  I had this mole for years and had it checked a few times starting back when I was in my late teens.  The first Dr. called it a "halo mole", the next few heard what the other Dr. had suggested and shrugged it off and just said for me to watch it.  Praise God this time my Dr. was not as lax about the mole.  She said it had almost all the signs they did not want to see in a mole and suggested I get it removed.  I did not argue I just had her request the procedure and I had it scheduled.  I truly expected it to be nothing. 

Since my Dr. is out of the office on Fridays and I had the procedure done on a Wednesday I did not expect to hear anything till the next week.  On Monday I was checking my Daughters up coming appt time and saw the report was in.  I figured it HAD to be good or it would not be on there at 5:30am for me to read by myself.  I opened the report and was shocked to see it was severally atypical and that she did not get it all removed.  Not sure what the severally atypical meant I tried looking it up since I could not call till after 8am.  Looking it up did not help too much. The one thing I was pretty sure of was that it meant I needed to have more removed. 

I later got a call and the nurse said it was not yet cancer...phew I sighed with relief.  I would soon be called by the plastic surgeons...then I got another call...never mind they can't do it because you are pregnant...Which raised a question in me, what are they doing different?  Why can I have some removed but not the next bit and what happens to it in 3 months time?  So in two days I was due back to have my stitches removed I figured I may have some of my questions answered at that time. 

After I had the stitches removed the nurse told me to wait there the Dr. wanted to talk to me.  I was all smiles expecting to get my questions answered.  The Dr. came and requested we follow her to another room that was more comfortable.  So  my mother and I followed her.  She explained a little bit about what the original results meant, and said they had said "final"...BUT then the specialist decided to look at it, and he/she passed it around to other colleagues and then they all got together to discuss their findings.  They decided to reclassify the mole as melanoma...At first when she said the word I was fine, it is just a word after all.  Then as she went on she was not as cheerful as before, something I believe the Dr.s often do to show they care for us as individuals so they do not seem cold, but it turned my smile to a serious face.  Now I was told this was caught very early so once it is removed there is a great chance that is it and I am done, aside from frequent check ups, then infrequent check ups.  So again I am starting to feel okay, then I hear I get the appointment during pregnancy and that it should be the same as the other before, some local numbing shots and a few stitches...I knew what to expect from the last one.

Then life happens and someone hurts me emotionally and I realize I am not as okay with this new finding as I thought I was.  What is this "melanoma" anyway.  So I read on it, and learn it comes back for many people and when it does it is not as kind the second time. 

How was it I was fine just a few minutes ago?  I was thankful it was found, recognizing the blessing in the lung issue which led to the discovery of what would have been very deadly if not caught soon.  It was because I was seeing the waves around me again...through the diagnosis I saw Jesus and thought about my little testimony of Gods great glory, after the diagnosis when life started happening around me and the selfishness of others came smacking me in the face, I turned from all eyes on Jesus to face my attacker...and I felt broken yet again.  Hopeless, pain from others who had no idea what all I had just been through.  I just couldn't seem to get my eyes back on Him. 

But after letting out my anger in a very ungodly way, I got silent and in my silence I heard Him again.  I repented and let faith fill me again.  I focused on
Psalm 91:16

I will satisfy him with a long life and show him My salvation.

Would I be satisfied with leaving my children without their own mother?  Would I be satisfied with my children being raised by someone else because their father's job takes him away so often?  The answer to those questions is NO, I would not be satisfied...My life would not be long enough to satisfy me.

This entire Psalm, Psalm 91 is very encouraging.  Though there are others who have believed and left this earth premature...I cannot focus on that.  I must focus on His Word and the promises I have been given in that Word which is truth.


I am very thankful to God.


The devil has told me for years I am going to die, he has sent a near drowning as a child, 4 pregnancy losses which all ended with hemorrhaging and one nearly needing a transfusion, a car falling off a jack inches from my head as I was about to slide under, he uses family history of illness and symptoms I experience to try to scare me, and so many other things, now this..."nothing new under the sun".  But I know he is just scared...he doesn't want me to go on doing what I was called to do, he doesn't want me raising my children in a Christian home and helping guide them to become who God has called them to be.  Just like in a game of baseball, the opposing team's fans shout out "no batter, no batter......" etc. the purpose of heckling is to make the person up to bat focus on the heckling and get it in their head they can't hit the ball,  If the hecklers accomplish what they set out to do then the batter strikes out and that one time can effect many more times to come.  We can't let the devil heckle us into thinking we are defeated, it is he who is defeated, his sentence has been sealed.  Again I share

Ephesians 6:12

¹² For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.

The things and people that come against us are spiritual, people don't usually know they are being used by the enemy, grant them grace forgive and keep the focus on Jesus.  Lock eyes and stretch for Him.

God bless

Disengage

Definition of DISENGAGE

transitive verb

: to release from something that engages or involves

intransitive verb

: to release or detach oneself : withdraw

via merriamwebster.com

A while back my 8 yr old, was having a problem removing himself from a situation which was drawing him in to confrontation and that confrontation was bringing out his anger and that anger was fueling the other person's confrontation...vicious cycle.  From the outside of the situation I could see what was going on although neither Dylan nor the other person knew.  I believe the Lord gave me a word...Disengage.   So I said to Dylan, "disengage" then without giving the definition I simply said step away from what is going on and go somewhere else, because nothing is being solved.(and his meltdown was t-minus 5 seconds)  He said I am trying...he successfully disengaged and later I brought him to the pc and looked up the definition.  Dylan craves knowledge and really enjoys new words.  He likes the new word and though he does not communicate his like for the word he shows it by following through now when I tell him to disengage.  Now it wasn't as simple as just telling him the first time. I had to explain the benefits to him, like by walking away you will not get into trouble for saying bad things, you will not get angry and hit something or throw something...etc. 

So now mom has to disengage.  It is harder than it seems especially when I am engaged in "my element"  I am a task orientated person and if I am in the process of completing a task when I am engaged I unknowingly stay right where I am so I can complete the task..anger grows, thoughts rush in and "Peter" goes under the waves and has to stretch out that hand for Jesus to pull him back up.   My plan for me? Disengage then Re-engage.  Re-engage in another task...a woman always has something she can work on.  So if I am doing dishes, disengage and re-engage folding laundry, making the bed, cleaning the bathroom etc.  Where ever the confrontation is NOT that is where I am going to be...of course I will explain what I am doing so I am not followed...otherwise the outlook is not too good for me remaining calm.

My waves seem to smack me in the face and that is what takes my attention away...I think about a video Dylan passed down to his sister, called Junior's Giants.  The video is on anger and Junior must confront his "giants'  When he gets into the battle arena he sees a man shorter than he is.  The man wants to fight him.  At first Junior laughs and says he will not fight him he is too small.  He turns and waits for the "real" giant.  Well the little man begins to hit him with golf balls and finally wins at getting Junior upset enough to lose his temper...that is when the little man turns to a giant.  This is how I feel often.  My little man says things...doesn't bother me, I just focus on Jesus...then the little man hits me upside the head with a golf ball "WHAT??? OH NO YOU DIDN'T"  Now it becomes dodge ball.  I always hated dodge ball.

So with prayer, keeping my eyes on Jesus through all the not so hard times and practicing this method....I plan to be able to learn to STAY focused on Him and disengage no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing and no matter what is being done against me.

Matthew 4:¹¹ 
Then the Devil left Him, and immediately angels came and began to serve Him.

James 4:7 

⁷ Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.

Calm and cool

My middle child, as I may have mentioned, was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, PTSD and he has many other symptoms that fall under other categories yet are not consistent enough to diagnose as other "disorders".   As we sat in a restaurant last night and my youngest(2) and my middle child (8) began to become disruptive and loud, I could hear my self moan and sigh during my attempts to calm them.  Then I heard myself when I was at home.  My first several attempts are usually calm and peaceful.  After the failed attempts I begin to raise my voice.  This does NOTHING...or does it?

No matter the stress placed on me for the day, I am an adult and more importantly a Christian.  I have a never ending source for peace and joy...SHOULD I choose to seek Him.  As hard as it is to allow change to take place in this area of my life...because I have made it habit, I must allow the change and actively seek Him for my help.  Reading His Word and praying often.  My yelling does not get them to obey, but it DOES teach them yelling is how we get our point across.  What is even harder at this point is even when I stop yelling I have taught my 8yr old that yelling is what we do and he is not as mature so it takes him more time....which in turn is still effecting my 2yr old, and makes it even harder for me not to yell back. 

At first I never thought about my yelling, I only focused on my intent.  Then God shined a light on it and I started to notice my behavior and it's impact.  Then I began to think "I can't let people know I do this...What would others think?"  Now I honestly could care less what others think, God knows and it is damaging my children's growth.  I also found out, mothers who yell are not as uncommon as I thought.  There is even a page for support on Facebook now, I joined. 

It seems even as adults...and it's NOT just me, we still have childish tendencies.  I expect my children to get something that after 34years of life I STILL haven't completely gotten.  Especially my 8 yr old.  He has struggled so much in the past and is such a truly sweet and amazing boy.  God has poured out His wisdom mightily on this child. When I can respond to his meltdowns with understanding, encouragement while still being a CONSTRUCTIVE disciplinarian I notice his symptoms "dim".  They are not glaring any longer.  In those moments he is not healed yet his anger and hyper activity are very decreased as opposed to when mom blows a gasket and yells back. 

When Peter called out to Jesus who was walking on the water and then went out on the water himself I always wanted to think "If I were Peter and had seen what he saw, I would have not looked at the waves."  But I am "Peter"  I have seen what he saw...not miracle for miracle, but I see what happens when I seek Him and I know what happens when I don't, yet still almost daily I will start out on the right foot.  As the day wears on things of this world press on me and the more things that pile up the more I focus on the pile and the less I focus on Him.  In calm moments like right now it is so easy to say this...and so easy to feel like I will not miss it again...but my children are now up stirring and things have already began to lay at my feet, these things are either starting today's "pile" or I am going to end this and pray and sort through the starting pile.  I hear my 2yr old upset and not "getting her way"  so today...I end this and go work on what is there now and keep it low so I can focus easily on Jesus.

^{Matthew 14
26} When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost!” they said, and cried out in fear.
²⁷ Immediately Jesus spoke to them. “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
²⁸ “Lord, if it’s You,” Peter answered Him, “command me to come to You on the water.”
²⁹ “Come!” He said.
And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the strength of the wind, he was afraid. And beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out His hand, caught hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” ³² When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. ³³ Then those in the boat worshiped Him and said, “Truly You are the Son of God!”

James 3:17

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy.

Swallow pride...but be sure to cut it in half FIRST.

Oh my, oh my, oh my...Is it ever so hard to swallow pride when we have to apologize to a person who actually owes us an apology too.  Especially when we have had to apologize before to that person and they have said things like " Yes, I knew you would come to and apologize...you are forgiven." and they themselves never own their part in the wrong doing.  (Warning sensitive people do not read)  It's like someone backing over your precious companion( cat, dog etc) and once the grieving settles you go to them and say, " I am sorry _______ got out.  I should have taken extra precautions to secure them.  I hope you are doing okay and know I do not blame you, it was an accident."  To which the person says, " Yah, ___________  would still be here if you didn't leave your windows open to air your home on a beautiful day.  Poor thing could still be here...sigh." 
For me when people act this way my flesh screams out.."AHHHHH!!!! Why did I just apologize to them?  They always think they had NO blame. " I have no trouble, when I know I had fault, apologizing to people who are at least not arrogant.  For those few who no matter how often they are wrong always believe everyone else is at 100% fault...I find myself dragging my feet and praying for strength to say sorry with heart.  Other wise I either don't apologize or I apologize like my children...head down kicking rocks and pouting...
".SORRY...hmmmh".  The apology is not heart felt, it is fake.

Growth...it is what is at stake here.  Healing...it is at stake here.  Blessings...are at stake here.  I am I really willing to miss out on all the above over pride?  Because that is what it truly boils down to.  If I do not own MY part then I let pride block me and I am not following what I know God is telling me to do.  In some cases apology to another is not possible, everything is always between us and God.  "One size does not fit all." 

Growth:  I am possibly missing out on growth because if I do not apologize, I am not truly owning my part.  Also if I know the person well enough to apologize then they know me well enough to know I am a Christian and that means my lack of apology is a misrepresentation of Christ.  " And they call themselves a Christian."  I am guilty of saying that before...before it was said about me.  We cannot forget Christian does NOT equal perfect, there are some things we should know better than to do...we should not see Christians purposefully lying, cheating, stealing etc...but at any rate FORGIVENESS and GRACE trump all sin...ALL sin.  Repentance is important BUT God is the judge of the heart...not us.  We have got to own our part and let go and let God for their part.  Owning my part helps me to ask for forgiveness from God and for me to seek His help in cleaning out that area of my life..." Lord please help me to be strong and not react when they say hurtful words." etc.

Healing:  When I know I have asked for forgiveness, no matter whether it was accepted gracefully or not, I am free!  What I did no longer weighs on me, and if it tries to I remind shame who my God is!  There are times I have asked for forgiveness YEARS after I did something...I just either finally swallowed my pride or I finally realize I was wrong.  The times I remembered to ask years later I either got an "oh...I forgot all about that." or no response at all...which is fine...it is not about their response, it is about my healing.  Making myself free for the work He has for me, not being bound by my sin and shame.

Blessings:  Yah, blessings are at stake.  Sin is sin is sin is sin.  It doesn't matter if someone has picked me apart all day long, if I snap on that person and curse etc...I have sin in the matter too.  Sin separates us from God.   Jesus is the bridge, by His death I can have a relationship with God and I simply ask for forgiveness, no need to sacrifice an animal, I just ask, Jesus made the way.  I don't want to be separated from God because I can't swallow my pride to apologize to someone simply because they  aren't sorry or because they are going to gloat in my apology...it is NOT about them, it is following HIS way and allowing Him to make my paths straight.


Proverbs 4:11

I am teaching you the way of wisdom; I am guiding you on straight paths.

Isaiah 59:1-2
Indeed, the Lord’s hand is not too short to save,
and His ear is not too deaf to hear.
² But your iniquities have built barriers
between you and your God,
and your sins have made Him hide His face from you
so that He does not listen.

Romans 8:38-39

³⁸ For I am persuaded that not even death or life,
angels or rulers,
things present or things to come, hostile powers,
³⁹ height or depth, or any other created thing
will have the power to separate us
from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

 

Ephesians 4:30-32

³⁰ And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by Him for the day of redemption. ³¹ All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. ³² And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.

Don't forget the Lord's Prayer, forgive us as we forgive those...now it won't stop us from our salvation...but if salvation is all a person cares about...maybe they should question theirs...where was/is their heart when they prayed and accepted Christ?  Even though the Lord's Prayer was taught before Jesus died for our sins...It was a model prayer for us for a reason.  Ephesians clears the issue of forgiveness up for after Christ's death.  Also the "golden rule"  Do unto others Luke 6:31, would we like people to only apologize to us when we were 100% right and not at all at fault?  If so...we would hardly ever get an apology.  There are VERY few times in life there is not at least SOME fault on both parties.  It is just whether each party is big enough to admit their part.

I went into a relationship with a person once.  I was not perfect, but I was a great friend to them.  I did not know they had been lying to me since day one.  As time went on I caught many lies.  What began to happen is, I started to allow the lies and such to change me...for the worse.  I was angry often, I felt betrayed...how could they lie to me, when I became their friend with such pure intent...THEY DID THIS TO ME!   They made me this angry hateful person.  I could not see that I was allowing them to change my default, which had been forgiveness and grace.  Once I realized I had allowed this, it was a huge process to unload that baggage...I am still unloading it.

I think often of the darkness trying to hide.  I can visualize a room and the darkness is squashed by turning on the light...at least squashed in the areas the light can touch...under the bed the darkness hides, in the shadow of the dresser...even at the edge of the thickly piled carpet.  I am still in the process of "removing the furniture and ripping up the carpet" so the light can reach every area.  Then there is still my shadow to deal with, if I operate in the spirit the light shines through me, if I operate in the flesh I cast a shadow of darkness.


So we need to swallow pride...no matter how hard, He is great at helping us be humble, we should always seek Him.  Our lives cannot prosper to the full extent with guilt and shame following us, and we cannot allow guilt and shame to be covered with entitlement and blame.  Jesus is the only one who can wash away guilt and shame and He said seek forgiveness.  So it is His way...or our way...it's between us and God. 

God bless

The battle wages on...

I raised my "white flag"...yet again.   Last night when I wanted to be sleeping, thoughts were rushing through my mind about things I have no knowledge of and can only guess about.  Wondering, is this person who hurt me hurting me now.  Beside the fact I am allowing them to indirectly hurt me by the past pain they caused keeping me in emotional bondage, robbing my joy and stealing my peace, the answer is unknown.  Sure I can play "Nancy Drew" like I have before...and started to yesterday...BUT will the answer satisfy me?  If the answer is an apparent no...I still sense betrayal.  If the answer is yes, I feel defeated again. 
So why seek the answer? 
In the past I asked myself that very question multiple times yet still investigated till I got evidence of betrayal.  Then I would feel alone all over again.  As if no one understood me, and truly there is only ONE who does understand us.  Another question comes...
Will the answer to my question and my confrontation of people amount to resolve?  Will the person/people admit their part and actually be remorseful?  The answer in the past has always been a resounding NO to both questions. 

Sadly so many people live in a "victim" mentality where they feel no matter what pain they cause others it is justified.  They will even tell themselves you are hurting them or letting them down in some way so they can feel it is alright to do what they are doing to you.  This can even be a person who believes in God and says they believe His Word.  Do unto to others as you want done unto you....well that gets twisted in their mind to " Do unto others as they do unto you."  The even worse part is...no one did anything to them, they base what they believe others are doing off of what THEY would do in our place....The whole thought process is enough to wear a person OUT.  So why bother?

If a betrayal is committed before my eyes and needs no investigation, I still confront, but in love with my feelings and I try to make it non blaming.  Even if the blame is on them, blame does not produce healing in either party.  So I would say something like this.  " When I saw you ________________ I felt ____________."  Then leave it.  Unless the other party wants to redirect and then I still stay as neutral as possible.  For me remorse for their hurtful actions is what I seek.  If they are not remorseful when I confront them in love, the "victim" will surely not be remorseful if I continue pushing the issue.  After peace is spoke, I then go on what I need, if I need space I ask for space, in a loving way.  "I'm going to need some space for a while so I can process this." If I am okay emotionally and do not feel any outbursts coming on I can say "that is all" and go back to the "norm" of our relationship. 

Please keep in mind there is no need to keep people in our lives who are not family if there is constant betrayal.  And we must be sure not to enable anyone's sinful behavior, WHILE understanding we do not have the ability to heal them of their sinful behavior only God does.  God can use us...but often we will not be the ones used to help them heal because of our close emotional connection to the person/people. 

So back to last night, laying awake before a BIG day for me and I am thinking " I can't allow them to rob me.  More than likely they are sleeping fine, they are eating fine and my BIG day is nowhere on their mind...why bother with having them on my mind?"  so I breath and try to clear my mind enough to pray without interruption.  "Lord, I give this situation to You."  I have NO real idea what is going on with them and if they are hurting me still.  I sense they are, but, You know, so I give my concern to You.  Please help them to be repentant and seek You and Your will and ways.  Help me Lord to not dwell on what has been done.  Help me to be free of bondage that holds me back from doing Your will.  Fill me with Your peace for this night and day that lie ahead.  Thank You for Your faithfulness and compassion. In Jesus name, Amen."

Then I slept and woke up ready to get out of bed on the first alarm.  I pray daily to have peace etc through my temptation.  Temptation for me is being faced with those who hurt me and wanting to tell them how I REALLY feel.  So I will pray this again today and I will take what steps I need to take to face the day as His child out to do His will.   In other words, thoughts my rush in again but I will close the door to them and wave my "white flag" again.  My only weapon in this case is prayer and it is a peaceful weapon meant to heal and not harm.  Healing for me and healing in time for them as well.

Remembering today and always, Ephesians 6:² For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.

http://youtu.be/N3Q5CxQ24bA

How do I let go?

Ponder of yesterday...are we granting grace to our children, but not our spouse or other adult? 

Children may get disciplined, but they are forgiven very easily it seems.  Being grown gives us(at least most) the common sense not to jump over our sister's head while she is moving about on the floor, but it does not make us immune to making mistakes all together.  Are there areas where grace needs to be granted and forgiveness extended.  Remember this does not mean all is well and we are healed emotionally, it is a daily walk.  It also does not mean what was done is acceptable and okay to repeat, but it frees a person who has been hurt.  When I think back to the times I have been hurt in general,   I can tell you the pain inflicted on me was not what was on the other parties mind...but what was done and my pain were on my mind and that pain sat there eating away at all my thoughts...I could be in the middle of a nice prayer and before I know it, the prayer had been ruined by my thoughts of" WHY? HOW COULD THEY? Don't they know how bad they are hurting me?" 

Again...
Ephesians 6:12
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.

The enemy wants to rob us in every way he can.  One of his greatest attacks is destroying relationships, marriages, friendships, families...he knows the strength we get from praying together, leaning on each other and encouraging each other and he wants that squashed.  I am worthless to another person in need if all I can think on is my own pain.  When they talk it is muffled, it's heard but not LISTENED to and really processed.   So what CAN I do?

Matthew 5:44(HCSB)

⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Now, I would not say loved ones who hurt us are our enemies or that we are being persecuted for Christ, but I personally believe the concept still applies.  I prayed last night in this way.  My angel baby girl was keeping me up and my mind was running a million miles a minute thinking on past pains and how unfair it was that I was never "justified", it was never acknowledge even that I was truly hurt by actions taken again and again.  Oh the enemy was trying to have fun all day with me...BUT  greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world.  I had fought the "good fight" all day and I was getting tired, plus lack of sleep from the night before and the current night was not helping any. 

In my sense of powerlessness I knew what I had to do.  On my knees (was already there too...fitting) I began to pray.  I did pray for myself, but also my prayer was for them, the one who hurt me.  I wanted them to know the pain they caused...this time it was not with the sole purpose of my healing, it was for THEIR healing.  The person hurt me again and again and just had not stopped in years, so really even though they did not know it yet...what they were doing to me was hurting them more.  See through my pain I have been growing, getting stronger, closer to God, wiser, praying for His wisdom, more loving, praying to know how to love those who hurt me time and time again.  But they haven't been drawing near, they haven't been learning and growing.  I actually felt sad for them more than for me. 

I can't tell anyone how to never let thoughts creep in, I would imagine this verse is a start...

1 Thessalonians 5:17
Pray constantly.

pretty simple, eh?  As I mentioned before, even my prayers were being interrupted by the why's and how's etc.  So I am no expert...but I do, through prayer and seeking HIM and HIS ways, get through the "stinkin thinkin".  I do get the victory in the battles. As long as I keep my eyes on HIM I will always have the victory in the battles, even when I make "tactical errors" in battle, I never lose the whole battle.  I also know the war was won, I know where I am going and I know where the enemy is going
. 
BUT...how do I let go?  At this point I would say, I let go daily as needed, not in my strength but in HIS strength knowing that Jesus said in

Luke 23:34

  Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing.”.

If a person truly knew the spiritual trouble they were about to cause and felt the emotional pain they would inflict on others personally for themselves...they would not hurt us.  People...even when they do it on purpose...Don't know what they are REALLY doing.

Again for me personally I believe there is only sin against God, so though it hurts me, the sin is against God.  HE put the boundaries in place of what is sin and what is not.  I pray for forgiveness of my sins daily and I pray that I forgive those who sin against God and in turn hurt me and those who just plain hurt me, because my feelings do not determine sin.

In closing today...seek His ways...they are pure, our ways are not. My prayers are with all who have been hurt and are hurting still.  Spiritual hugs to all.  Many times in our pain we feel alone as if no one understands, but He IS near to us always, and He knows our pain. 


Deuteronomy 32:4

The Rock—His work is perfect; all His ways are entirely just. A faithful God, without prejudice, He is righteous and true.

Ephesians 4:26

Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,

Never let them see you break...

I hear it often, "Children need stability." I completely agree, and I had been willing to follow God much earlier in life my children would have had more stability...BUT that is not the path I chose for myself to begin with.  The road I chose started out broken, then it was patched.  Much like most patch jobs we see done on roads it was bumpy and after the first heavy truck or first good rain/snow, the patch job is coming loose.  It wasn't until I gave my life to Christ that I got the road repaired the right way.  Now the road is repaired but I still have to preform maintenance.  God's will is perfect...but I still am not.  I want my will to be in line with His will, but at times I pray for His will, but I do not apply what I know.

Remember as a child being taught how to color?  First we hear "stay in the lines".  Then we hear "color one direction".   Well this is very similar in life, a child can color a picture anyway they want and it will still be colored, but if they stay in the lines and go one direction it looks nice.  We can take bits and pieces of God's Word and live our lives "okay" or we can apply His teachings completely and live a great life.

Just recently I had been doing things to the best of my ability and seeking what God would do in the tough situations I face in my marriage and with my children.  I am not perfect, as stated before, I would say of the times I know I have an opportunity to do things His way or my way, I have gone from 50/50 to 75/25 His way/my way.   I have noticed that although some of the things I am praying for have not been immediately answered, I have gotten closer to my husband because I am relaxing more and learning how to not let the things which once consumed me do so any longer.  In turn I am enjoying my time with him more and I have more time with him, because he wants to be around me more.  The children are not losing any love from either one of us, and they are doing well because they are seeing their parents closer to each other.  We look stronger to them as a team then broken angry individuals...THAT being said, as usual, the second the enemy sees a marriage getting stronger he tries to add more stress.  Stress from any area he can find a foot hold in.  For me it usually seems to be the children.  

At times I feel as though I am in a circus and I am juggling many things, all is going well.  Then I am told I need to keep juggling and spin these plates too....ooookkkkaaaaaayyyy....I am kinda doing it...doing it....hey I got this...now I am told to do all that but start juggling running chain saws too...while blind folded...HUH??? So my juggling and spinning world topples over...to put it frankly...I can handle stress from my marriage, stress from finances, stress from children, stress from outside sources, etc...but I handle it well piece by piece till too much is piled on and then, "HERE COMES THE BOOM!!!"

I lost sight of Jesus somewhere in the stress piling.  Somehow I forgot to take the things being thrown at me to juggle and throw them to God. Now He doesn't juggle them for me, but by taking them to Him I can see what He deems worthy to juggle and what He says is something I need to just let go of and release to Him.  There are times I throw Him a ball, let's say it is a ball of rubber bands.  He takes that ball and removes all the rubber bands I don't need to have on that ball and only gives me back what is mine.  For instance, my son has been a picky eater for years.  I used to take that burden on all myself.  I would prepare a meal, he would refuse to eat and I would then stop eating and go and make him a sandwich or something else.  Well I learned through boundary building, the picky eating is not my responsibility it is his.  Sure there are foods he truly does not like, but I am talking about the foods he just doesn't like the look of, the smell of or the texture of.  I will see him eat these foods at different times so I know he likes them, but just not that night.  Well that is something he needs to overcome, not something I need to miss my warm meal over, so I tell him he eats his food or he will go to bed without food, that is his choice.  This usually does not set well, but it does USUALLY end well.  So some things I juggle God shows me I only need to juggle a small part of.  I need to prepare A meal for the family, not three separate meals to suit all picky eaters.  So if stress is piling on you too, find out what belongs to you by taking it to God and then leave all that doesn't belong to you with Him.  People will resist us not dealing with what they "dish" out to us, BUT that is their issue to take up with God.  It may hurt to hear them whine or say hateful things, but in time the relationship grows or it goes...either way we are better off...as long as we are doing it biblically.

As today's plates spun and I juggled my little circus body away, I heard someone say a chain saw was about to be thrown in.  Dylan was in the van with me and I was ready to break, his talking and questioning was somewhat like a muffled background noise as I pulled out of a parking lot in front of a person trying to turn in...no real danger but still makes ya feel like a "woman driver"...tears well up in my eyes and I remember there is a voice in the van and it is my son's voice, I can't let him see me lose it.  I begin to fight the enemy who is telling me I have a right to let it out now, why do I have to be strong, why do I have to always hold it in, then a song comes on WBGL and I start to hear (not audibly) the still small voice. I hear that my DADDY cares and He saw my whole day and He is well pleased with me.  Even in my weakness, He saw me try, though I missed it, He saw my heart.  The tears stayed at bay and I saw in my mind my childhood( I love how God can use things from years and years ago), I was probably 12 years old or a little younger.  My neighbor/best-friend(boy), my cousin(boy) and I(uhh...girl) were outside of my neighbor's storage garage and we were playing "locked in". One of us would take a very heavy log/timber and raise it up against the door of the garage and once we were sure we had done a good enough job we would tell the others inside "OKAY!" and they would try to get out...yah pretty safe huh?  Well I did not have the strength the last time I tried to lock them in and can't remember if they pushed early or if I just let the log slip, either way my hand was smashed between the log I was pushing up and the logs on the ground. When the boys heard my yelp they got out of the doors quickly and offered help.  I felt the urge to bust out in tears, so as quickly as I could, I said with my chest puffed full of air, "I'm fine, I'm going to go in now..." I took off for my house and once I made it to my mother I let the tears go.  I could not let the boys see me cry.  They were boys and I worked so hard to earn their respect and be "one of them".  In many ways this memory reminds me of today.  I want my children to come to me as I did my mother.  I want them to feel safe with me, knowing mom "has it all together".  Having it all together doesn't mean mom gets it right always but that mom seeks God and uses the wisdom God has poured out on her.  She doesn't have meltdowns in the van over what would seem like nothing to someone like my son who did not see a thing happen to me today.
Me saying, don't have a meltdown around our children doesn't mean we bottle it up.  It means we act as responsible adults, taking what we feel to God and a few we can confide in.  Not every listening ear is the right ear to share with.  It also means that we need to sort out things in our lives which cause us undue stress and let those things go. I am in the process of sorting things out and the enemy loves to attack when he sees us making progress.  I have the victory already, through Christ, so I claimed that victory in my  van and I drove home tuned back into my son and praising Him. 

Little by little, inch by inch I am getting my part of this house in order and it feels great.



Proverbs 14:1

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.
James 1:19
[ Hearing and Doing the Word ] My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:1
[ Freedom of the Christian ] Christ has liberated us to be free. Stand firm then and don’t submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father!”

Tell him about it

The Billy Joel song " Tell Her About It", this song used to play on the radio when I was a child very often and it is a catchy song...one that popped into my mind after I did my grocery shopping today.  I was thinking how many times myself and others as well, have said " I shouldn't have to tell him, he should know."  Well sister, there is not too many of us women that would not agree with you on that one...BUT, as obvious as it is to us, it apparently is not obvious to him. 

Through reading a lot of books about how men think, not as scarey as I thought, I learned he just doesn't think like me...in many things he doesn't think like me in the slightest.  If I look like a pack mule he is not thinking  "What can I do to lighten her load."  This doesn't make him a bad guy, and some men do think that way and some have "purposed themselves to think that way."  Chances are most men who help the "pack mule" wife/momma have been asked to help enough times they get it or someone else has put a little word in their ear.

Our words need to be sweet and tender even if we just came from the battlefield of the supermarket, where people park their carts on one side and shop from the other, meet and greet their long lost buddies in the middle of a popular isle,  tantrums erupt at the worst possible moments, children try to run amok, important items are out of stock, employees are rude, you leave without half the things you came for and get things that were not on your list...budget....psssshhhh.  Then you get home loaded with children and bags and no one is there to help...but they want to be everywhere you are.  This is a moment for a prayer for peace, and to have HIS words only.  Breath deep and rewind to the parking lot.  While in the parking lot, use that trusted cell phone and call those waiting at the house...if there are any, and ask for them to be ready to help you unload.  If you forget this step just get a few things and ask for help POLITELY as you enter the home.  In time this will become habit and all will be well...at least on the home front.

But this goes so much deeper than the grocery store, it touches every area of our lives.  He more than likely won't know unless we tell him.  Think too, is what I am telling him or asking of him his responsibility or mine?  For instance, the saying "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."  We should not expect our spouse to jump and run because of our poor planning.  It is not their fault for our mistakes, we can however ask them to help us in our areas of weakness.  If we get side tracked from the goal easily we can ask our spouse to remind us in love we are not working toward the current goal, BUT we should not blame our spouse if he does not see us off track.

For many women, they say, I tell him day in and day out to take out the trash(etc) and he just never does it unless I ask.  There are many things to look at there.  Are we asking or nagging? Do we appreciate when he completes the task?  Is this a task he is okay with and if not is there something else he can swap out with?  Some men are just not going to do it without being asked and some will not do it at all...BUT GOD is in the people changing business, so we truck on and put our eyes on HIM.  Trusting HE will see us through.

I am sure men have things they think we should just know too.  I know for me if my husband needed something from me I was not doing, I would want him to tell me, and tell me as often as he needed to.  I don't want him feeling his needs are not being met.

When in doubt in any situation in life...Bible it out.  What does the Word say?

Luke 6:31
Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them.

Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable to You,
Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.

Philippians 4:8
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise,dwell on these things.

Ephesians 5:6-14

⁶ Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things. ⁷ Therefore, do not become their partners. ⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light— ⁹ for the fruit of the light results in all goodness, righteousness, and truth— ¹⁰ discerning what is pleasing to the Lord. ¹¹ Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. ¹² For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. ¹³ Everything exposed by the light is made clear, ¹⁴ for what makes everything clear is light. Therefore it is said:
Get up, sleeper, and rise up from the dead,and the Messiah will shine on you.
I am about to start another book, I will share what I personally gain along the way and how I am applying what I have learned.  The book is titled " Do Your Kids A Favor...Love Your Spouse" by author and speaker Kendra Smiley and John Smiley. 

http://www.kendrasmiley.com/shop/category/book/

The dreams

I am a very vivid dreamer and I have learned to tell the difference between what I call "pizza dreams" (those which have no purpose and make no sense whatsoever) and dreams with meaning. 

I spoke with another woman once and she informed me she had a terrible dream.  She explained she woke up feeling as if she had cheated on her spouse.  She knew it was wrong to feel guilty since she could not control her dreams and she had not so much as even thought of the man in her dreams before let alone imagined a relationship outside her marriage.

Hearing the story of her dream reminded me of some dreams I have had as well.  In these dreams a woman feels overwhelming love for her.  She feels secure, needed, valued, an asset, protected and just plain special.  Also in these dreams life is "perfect"  not meaning NOTHING goes wrong but that what does go wrong is handled the way I believe God intended a relationship to go.  A disagreement is settled in a sit down discussion with no heated words, Both parties respect each other and work not to agree the other is correct but to understand their point of view and explain their own.  The disagreement is settled and even if the woman doesn't get "her way" she leaves feeling understood and appreciated.

I believe these dreams often come when we as wives, feel we are missing something in our relationships.  Our needs are being met in a dream.  It has NOTHING to do with who is meeting them, it has everything to do with identifying the weaknesses we see in our relationship.  This doesn't mean it is our spouse's fault for these weaknesses either.

When we think back to our wedding day, our spouse made a conscience decision to say "I do".  Our spouses do love us and more than likely they do not want to hold anything back from us. Yet for some reason something is missing.

Now there are many deep rooted issues which could be the cause.  Issues going all the way back to childhood...but let's just look at the ones we have a part in.

For me personally, I have a hard time showing my feelings if I have I showed them and was then hurt.  After several times of this I become..."numb".  My being numb seems like I am being  "cold", unloving and disrespectful.  If I am feeling numb my husband is going to feel unloved, unappreciated and like he is not even in our home.  He once had shared with me he felt like he didn't even exist.  It was hard to hear that, since my intent was not to make him feel that way.  My numbness was not a punishment to him it was a defense for me. 

Part of the issue I deal with sometimes daily is pride and fear of looking like a fool. Though we are told not to go by our feelings,  feelings are real and must be addressed.

Pride...I fight pride because in areas I have been hurt I feel I do not want to give what is needed to my spouse because it is "undeserved"  it has not been earned.  BUT I will NEVER receive the "perfect" as it was in the dream if I am not willing to swallow the pride, completely forgive and keep on trying.  I may fail at times, and I need to forgive myself too. If I wait around for him to understand and respond the way I need him to, we risk not only losing our marriage but also raising children who see marriage as a work commitment with no love and no respect.  I do not want that for my children.  Yes marriage is work, but it should not look like strictly a work relationship.

Fear of being played the fool... I have had a tendency to believe most people are staring at me and thinking..."what a fool, she actually believes ______. She has no clue that _____ is going on."  I at times am even afraid my husband has some secret side to him where he is laughing at me for trying too.  "She actually believes I am telling the truth.  Fooled her, ha ha!"  Hey I am honest.  Some may think that is a paranoia others are saying, " I get that."  We each as wives have our own areas of weakness.

So what to do?  Well God is always Awesome in the ways He works and He had been preparing me, as He always is.  So I pray daily for His wisdom in my life...He is very faithful and always shows me what I need, sometimes I don't hear Him at the time, but I look back and see where He showed me and it just amazes me.

God loves us and He loves our spouses equally, even when they hurt us, and even when we hurt them.  Most of us do not do things intentionally to harm our spouses, we just don't know how to respond. I had a moment where I did not know how to respond recently.  I froze solid, I could not say anything bad (praise God) and I could not say anything good.  My silence was known, but the reason for it was not, then after a minute...which felt to me like an hour, I respond how I felt.  Then I removed myself because I could feel my anger creeping up and I began to pray silently.  "God, I don't know how to respond."  I explained how I knew what HIS Word said to do, and what my husband needed me to do, but I just did not know how to make myself do it.  My husband then said he would give me space and in my alone time I prayed  quietly out loud for God to show me how to move forward.  Then I felt HE wanted me to serve my husband, to rub his feet and legs which are often tired from the work he does.  I am not saying my husband had done anything wrong, just that my feelings were crushed and I felt like he was wrong, again this is not about him it is about me.  It took very little strength after all the prayer to do what I felt the Lord had asked me to do, even with my feelings hurt.  My husband was shocked that I would come and give him a massage after telling him how hurt I was...but "I'm not who I was."   We were able to communicate peacefully and all was well again.

After our talk, the next day things seemed to be right back where they were before our talk.  During our trying times I held my tongue and spoke only when I needed to.  My grid I run things through goes like this "Is what's going on REALLY worth saying anything over, will it change anything for the better?  Is what I am about to say going to lift up or tear down?  Are the children going to hear what I am saying and see me as the one in charge?  I am not perfect at using this, but when I do it goes well.

When we are alone I quietly and peacefully talk to him about what I am seeing.  I ask questions to understand why things are happening the way they are.  I hear him say he feels the way I do.  He is not seeing or feeling love from me so it is hard for him to show it back.  The old me would have came back hard at him with all the ways I show my love...BUT I remember and hear him in my mind saying" I don't talk to you about what I am upset with you about because you always tell me I am wrong.."  So the enemy tries to come in to this discussion and he says to me.." But he is wrong...you do show love."  BUT the still small voice says..." you show love the way you see it...but how does he see it?"  So I ask him what he is lacking, what is it he needs from me to feel the love I am trying to show him.  I later explain how I do feel I show love and the ways in which I feel I am showing it.  To my surprise he agrees those are things I do and things which show love, and he needs those things too....but that is not ALL he needs.  So neither of us are wrong, we just need to understand what it is that is needed.  When we both feel it is hard to show love to the other when we are not seeing it returned, one of us needs to give in and show it anyway...and it seems from my side this is like a teeter totter, he gives when I am not and I give when he is not...but sometimes there is a balance and we are both giving at the same time.  The balance is what my goal is.  In order to meet that goal I must give all the time, all is a strong word, but I need to purpose myself to the all, I will fall short at times but the goal is ALL.  If I am always giving and he is always receiving then even if he is stubborn he will come around in time and it will be mutual.  My prayer is he sees this too and wants to always give so we get to the goal faster...BUT my commitment is to "do unto him as I would have done unto me."  EVEN if it is not returned.

And that is my thoughts for today.

Scriptures copied from www.biblegateway.com the HCSB version

Luke 6:31
Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them.

Ephesians 5
Wives and Husbands

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, ²³ for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. ²⁷ He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, ³⁰ since we are members of His body.

³¹ For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother
and be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh.

³² This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
1 John 3:16

[ Love in Action ] This is how we have come to know love: He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers.