As if unto death???? NO as if unto the Lord

Ephesians 6:7

⁷ Serve with a good attitude, as to the Lord and not to men, ⁸ knowing that whatever good each one does, slave or free, he will receive this back from the Lord.

Colossians 3:23

²³ Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men, ²⁴ knowing that you will receive the reward of an inheritance from the Lord. You serve the Lord Christ. ²⁵ For the wrongdoer will be paid back for whatever wrong he has done, and there is no favoritism.
  
As I have said before, application is the issue for me.  I can "do no evil" but do it while looking like it's my finale day on death row.  I still have yet to master the art of "smiling through the pain" in some areas of my life.  I think it is the constant that drags the joy out of me...and I also believe that I will be joyful when I learn to be joyful through my pain. 

See it is a war.  A war between spirit and flesh, the spirit sings songs and reminds me, it is for the Lord  I must press on and push past the pain and BELIEVE that not only the works in me will be completed but also those in the people around me. While the spirit sings songs the flesh says, "don't smile, you can't smile, if a smile is seen then it will appear you are okay with this.  You can't make light of it." The music always wins out, but it also usually takes a good 15-30 minutes given the attack.

It takes enormous strength to stand in battle when you are attacked daily by the same things you are powerless to stop...at least quickly.  The only way to make the pain stop right away is to join the losing side and though it would seem I was victorious for a moment, eternity is what is at stake.

Still with knowing what is at stake and knowing what is required of me, I still have a hard time smiling, and it is not even that I have to smile like an idiot while people walk all over me, it's that I can't allow myself to lose my joy and walk around with the look of defeat all over me. 

Praise be to God, He is mighty to save and I am so thankful for His grace and mercy.  I am also thankful for the way He set things up to remind me of His goodness and faithfulness.  God gave me a gift and that gift cannot go without the other piece of what I am standing in prayer for.  I was reminded of that information in the darkness I faced today. It would be like working long and hard in the blazing hot sun only to come inside to a sauna and be handed an empty glass. I am standing in prayer for my "cool air and glass of water".  I can't let the look on my face ruin my refreshment. 

Psalm 25:21

May integrity and what is right watch over me, for I wait for You. Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord. 

Lord I praise You for all that You are and I pray for myself and all who need this as well, may we learn joy in the midst of trial, and know we are victorious.  Our doing right and standing strong in Your Word is what is required of us, and we are doing that and all will be well with us.  When we are feeling low may we remember all that You have done and all of Your promises.  Your Word does not return void Lord and I thank you for that.  I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

 

God bless!

Finding myself

The song goes, "finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's okay."  The people who KNOW me, know that it's funny I would be at a loss for words, and there are times recently that I have medically been at a loss for words and those times can be frustrating.

  Through the loss of words spiritually, I have learned to listen more and it is very refreshing.  I made reference to the "Binford 5000" recently and if there was a literal motor on my mouth it would be a "Binford 5000".  I have been around a lot of people in my life and they like to talk over me and or not allow me to speak, SO when I am given a chance I tend to RUN with it.  

It was in a small group at a previous home church where I was led to hush up.   I had begun to speak and I felt as if God was saying ~hush up for a while, you won't get to share tonight and it's okay, sometimes you need to be quiet because these people are speaking into your life TOO. ~  OHHHH, it goes both ways...okay.  As if I was there to share and they were there to listen...well I wanted that to be the case so desperately.  I was home with children all day everyday and I just wanted an adult to listen and nod.  It is great to have adults who can just listen, but they need that in return and there is a place for it and a half hour small group session is NOT the place to babble.  Now this is not for everyone or for all the time.  If I am in a low place and I need to be lifted up and that is my only opportunity, I am not going to feel bad, and I do not judge others based on my own findings. 

In the small group where I felt this leading, I was surrounded by a lot of life experience and wisdom.  I was the second youngest and there was a decent age gap between me and the others.  Many of them only shared a couple minutes and then let someone else share.  I also noticed they usually shared just their key take aways or key things which could bless someone else in the group.... My ADHD mind found this to be a new twist...not every thought about the Bible study had to be shared... hey come on, I LOVE  to talk!  I left the first small group session when I stayed quiet with this odd feeling like maybe I was a bit mad at God for the leading to be quiet.  I mean He knew I was never listened to and He knew how much I needed to let things out. It was around this same time I had finally had an answer to my prayer for a "best friend".  I had always had friends but not a "best friend", so in exchange for being quiet in small groups I would take over my conversations with my best friend, she let me so I did it.  I then kept remembering the line my dearest friend in Christ shared with me which was shared with her, " If you want a good friend you have to be a good friend".  OUCH!!! Okay so no over talking in small group, no monopolizing the conversation with my bestie... Gee Lord is there anyone outside of my family I CAN talk to???? To which God's reply would probably be "OUCH"....OHHHH Lord, forgive me....You ....it's YOU, I need to talk to, YOU.

So I stepped out in faith and began to talk to God about the things I wanted to share with other people.  But to my dismay, I did not feel like I had gotten the things weighing on me off of my shoulders.  I went back to dumping it all out on my bestie.  Praise God she is a good one, because she is still my bestie after about two years of my motor mouth.  This went on for a while and then God moved our family to over an hour away from my family and home church.  I was so sure I would make the drive to my home church, then once moved, I realized there was NO way I could afford to drive over two hours round trip three to four times a week for all the Bible studies.  Once we found a home church in our area it took me almost a year to have enough faith to go there more than just Sundays.  I was certain we could not afford the almost 30 min one way trip to church...After much social isolation and learning of yet another healthy set back,  I finally started to go to church more than just Sundays and it was like a weight was lifted and I felt free. My first small group is one in which each person gets an opportunity share and it is limited to 3-5 minutes and there are guidelines.  I thought SWEET!  I do well with following rules when I know them and this allows me to share but not go crazy.  I eventually made it to small groups where the limits were off and I have done pretty well. 

During the course of the time before the finding the new home church and even still, I have been through a TON of painful things, that have at times literally brought me to my knees.  I have learned, the hard way, that God IS my go to problem dropper.  I don't JUST drop my problems at His feet.  I am also there daily with my praise and thanksgiving as well.  I learned not only can I NOT be the only person talking in a conversation...otherwise there is no conversing to make it a conversation, but I also cannot trust everyone I share things with AND ONLY God truly understands me completely.  He knows every tiny detail of my life. 

 When I share with Him now I am not hindered as I once was...I was watching my words and trying to say the "right thing" as if God was not seeing my heart and reading it, it's like looking at a red square and asking someone to tell you what they see and they say it's a yellow circle.  You know it's not because you can see it, they know you can see it too, so why are they answering you incorrectly?  Why was I holding back?  If I wanted to shout out "GOD, IT'S NOT FAIR!!" I used to say something like " Lord I don't understand it but I know all things work for my good." ...well of course that is true and my heart does know that too, but it aches because life can be painful and people can be hateful and sometimes things aren't fair...  This doesn't mean it is okay for me to act like a spoiled brat, but if God knows I am a spoiled brat, why try to hide it???(and thank God life isn't fair because Christ died on my cross in my place and that is the best kind of "not fair")

I had to let go and let God.  He already knew so I needed to free myself from thinking I could paint a prettier picture of my heart when I went to Him.  He needed my permission, because He gave me free will and so far I had cut Him off of changing my heart in some areas.  So I let Him into the ugly places in my heart and today I am light years away from where I was even a few months ago...but I am nowhere near "arriving".  So I will keep on, keeping on.  

I honestly love talking to JUST God about some things.  Just tonight even, I was about to pick up the phone and share my stinking thinking with someone and once I stopped myself, the second time I was going to call someone and share, I hit the wrong button on the phone which made me think about what I was about to do and I stopped finally the third time I stopped myself again.  So it is still very tempting and I still slip up from time to time, but I am better at learning to just trust God.  Somethings are not worthy of sharing anyway.  Sharing the stinking things does nothing for the person stuck listening and it hurts how they see me and just reinforces stinking thinking in me.

Finding me, started with finding Him.  I have told people before about me wanting to just share things with  God and I get  a lot of feedback about how I do have to let it out.  Again this is not for everyone this is just what I have found for me...For me, it's nice to have support BUT I will not share everything with even my most trusted friends and family.  Only God can heal the hurt and only God can clean my heart.  So for me it makes sense that somethings are shared with only God. 


James 1:¹⁹ My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger,

Job 12:13

Wisdom and strength belong to God; counsel and understanding are His.

Proverbs 21:30

No wisdom, no understanding, and no counsel will prevail against the Lord.

1 Peter 5:7

casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.


Dear Lord, You are gracious and so worthy of all our praise. I pray for anyone who needs to know love with knows no limits that they find it in You, the only one who can give it.  I pray their aching hearts are cleaned and mended by You, then only one who can clean and mend them.  May we all listen much and be slow to speak and may our speech always be edifying.  I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

Thankful heart and Love

I am truly thankful in a "not taking it for granted" way.  I think often how blessed I am that my children are all in good health, even as they had a cold here and there, they are in good health and that is so worthy of being thankful for.  As much as I think on that, I had not really been truly thankful for my own health.  Even with the things I have going on... I am able to raise my children and play games with them, I can hold them and hug them on my own.  I am so sympathetic to the many people on this planet who are not able to let their children know that they love them, not able to reach out and embrace them.  I am not saying this to gloat about my blessings but to maybe strike a chord with someone else who may be thinking too much on the literal split milk, dog pooh/puke, things ground into carpets, toilet paper out yet again...another week of barely making it financially, barely enough food, not enough time etc.  All these things add up and can cause such great stress but what we are told to do is

Philippians 4:8
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.

I used to think it was impossible to think on the lovely things for very long because I would be attacked again shortly...nothing has changed in the roller coaster of life ,no sooner do I think " a break"  then a catastrophe happens and there is no break and even worse I am up late to finish my daily chores...but even with all the things happening to me and around me, God has enabled me to see past the moment and still see something lovely to keep my focus on. 

I don't need perfect people or perfect circumstances to stay happy any longer.  I never had perfect people around me and never lived in perfect circumstances, and I don't have either of these things now, but what I do have is a little time following Christ, more trials in that time then some face in a lifetime and a lot of seeking Him through each trial.  Each time knowing the only thing I can do is work on me.  Even when it comes to parenting, I can't change my children all I can do is evaluate my parenting and measure it against what His perfect Word teaches and adjust accordingly.  I grant myself grace often and there will always be room to grow, and I will always allow growth.

Tonight I am praying for the men and women who just don't see how truly blessed they are and they are out seeking this world and the things in it, I am praying their hearts are softened and they take every moment and seize it as it were their last.  I am also praying for the men and women who are actually facing their last moments on this earth, even in knowing their heavenly Father is soon to be face to face with them, their heart is breaking for the time they will not have with their loved ones, moments they will miss that they had always dreamed of being a part of and cherishing. I pray they are strengthened and filled with His peace which passes all understanding and I pray that they have left a godly legacy which will live on.

This life is too short NOT to love everyone.  Don't just love the ones dear to you, reach out and love the ones who seem less lovable.  Hurting people hurt people...help heal the hurting people through Jesus.  Don't wait to forgive or say forgiveness cannot be granted.  Be healed from your own hurts.  We all need compassion.  Love a child who may have never known real love before, show them the Jesus in you.

God bless and goodnight!