Obey...the word before had always sounded so demanding and controlling. But despite the slight mistrust now, she still felt safe agreeing to obey him.
This newly wed couple never really had dated, they had been fast moving in their lives and jumped right into a serious relationship followed by the break and then back into engagement, and with her already having a child at home, they were never alone, except on the rare occasion they asked a grandparent to babysit.
Financial times were tough at first and the apartment they had lived in was condemned so they moved in with his parents. Their things stayed in a trailer and they were all snug as a bug. They were pregnant again, and once again this ended in a miscarriage, number three for her and number two for him. This time her faith in Christ kept her strong and she made it through leaning on Him.
Once they were on their feet again they were able to get a place of their own...which lasted a brief time then they were living with her mom. After a few months they were once again back on their feet and in their own apartment. This time they stayed on their feet. She had been blessed to get to see her oldest boy on a regular basis. Everything seemed to be coming together so well.
Both of them had been working the whole time yet still they were scraping by. They began to feel the "poorer" part of the marriage vows. They were able to get things they needed it just took them longer than before. They were not wise with the little they had been intrusted (Matthew 25:14-28). They went out here and there and never saved...They got pregnant again and it also ended in a miscarriage. This time their was a Christian NP who saw her and she decided to run some tests. They found a couple minor things that can cause major problems. She was put on meds for those things...one day she felt in her spirit God wanted her to stay home and home school her youngest better than she had been while having a job and to teach him more of His word. Her husband had just had a revelation while listening to their favorite radio station. In agreement she quit her job and they tightened the reigns on the finances.
Homeschooling was going better, the house was running a little smoother on her end...things were working out. They still tithed and were able to give here and there as well...all on an income of 35k a year. After just a few short weeks she was pregnant again, this time she called the Dr. the second the test showed positive and she was monitored and given a hormone. Nine months later she had a beautiful baby girl, her husband's first child. She felt complete in knowing she was able to help make him a father.
They had been married almost two years when they got pregnant with their daughter and already those two years had brought the pain of two more miscarriages, and a ton of sin to forgive.
They each had their own sins, she shared hers openly but still was not improving much. Her largest sin was anger. She was under a lot of pressure with her youngest who had began to display signs of Aspergers at age 4. The signs actually began earlier, but they were peaking at this age. She also felt pressure to make things work with the little money they had for their family, and she was for the first time exclusively breastfeeding. She knew none of this was an excuse to be angry AND sin, yet she felt her anger was almost uncontrollable. She read books and went to the altar many times, sometimes she even testified of a breakthrough...which the devil would soon show her was prematurely testified about as he threw more stumbling blocks in her path.
At praise and worship time she could not lift her arms to worship...she knew it was not about who she had been or what she was going through, yet she felt like a hypocrite. How could she raise her hands when she should be able to be a humble, meek and peaceful wife and mother? How could she lift her arms which were weighted heavily with burdens she kept dropping but later realizing they were tethered to her hands and she was dragging them? Prayer did not seem to be working, reading books on being a mother and children with Autism and being a wife who adores her husband and sees the hero in him...none of that seemed to be working. Confiding in friends was not working either...What was wrong with her. "Jesus heals..." she thought..."Please Jesus, heal me of this anger...I know I can control it...but it feels like I can't...I hold it in so long and then I just explode at what seems like nothing." Again she felt alone. When would her talk match her walk?
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