I spoke with another woman once and she informed me she had a terrible dream. She explained she woke up feeling as if she had cheated on her spouse. She knew it was wrong to feel guilty since she could not control her dreams and she had not so much as even thought of the man in her dreams before let alone imagined a relationship outside her marriage.
Hearing the story of her dream reminded me of some dreams I have had as well. In these dreams a woman feels overwhelming love for her. She feels secure, needed, valued, an asset, protected and just plain special. Also in these dreams life is "perfect" not meaning NOTHING goes wrong but that what does go wrong is handled the way I believe God intended a relationship to go. A disagreement is settled in a sit down discussion with no heated words, Both parties respect each other and work not to agree the other is correct but to understand their point of view and explain their own. The disagreement is settled and even if the woman doesn't get "her way" she leaves feeling understood and appreciated.
I believe these dreams often come when we as wives, feel we are missing something in our relationships. Our needs are being met in a dream. It has NOTHING to do with who is meeting them, it has everything to do with identifying the weaknesses we see in our relationship. This doesn't mean it is our spouse's fault for these weaknesses either.
When we think back to our wedding day, our spouse made a conscience decision to say "I do". Our spouses do love us and more than likely they do not want to hold anything back from us. Yet for some reason something is missing.
Now there are many deep rooted issues which could be the cause. Issues going all the way back to childhood...but let's just look at the ones we have a part in.
For me personally, I have a hard time showing my feelings if I have I showed them and was then hurt. After several times of this I become..."numb". My being numb seems like I am being "cold", unloving and disrespectful. If I am feeling numb my husband is going to feel unloved, unappreciated and like he is not even in our home. He once had shared with me he felt like he didn't even exist. It was hard to hear that, since my intent was not to make him feel that way. My numbness was not a punishment to him it was a defense for me.
Part of the issue I deal with sometimes daily is pride and fear of looking like a fool. Though we are told not to go by our feelings, feelings are real and must be addressed.
Pride...I fight pride because in areas I have been hurt I feel I do not want to give what is needed to my spouse because it is "undeserved" it has not been earned. BUT I will NEVER receive the "perfect" as it was in the dream if I am not willing to swallow the pride, completely forgive and keep on trying. I may fail at times, and I need to forgive myself too. If I wait around for him to understand and respond the way I need him to, we risk not only losing our marriage but also raising children who see marriage as a work commitment with no love and no respect. I do not want that for my children. Yes marriage is work, but it should not look like strictly a work relationship.
Fear of being played the fool... I have had a tendency to believe most people are staring at me and thinking..."what a fool, she actually believes ______. She has no clue that _____ is going on." I at times am even afraid my husband has some secret side to him where he is laughing at me for trying too. "She actually believes I am telling the truth. Fooled her, ha ha!" Hey I am honest. Some may think that is a paranoia others are saying, " I get that." We each as wives have our own areas of weakness.
So what to do? Well God is always Awesome in the ways He works and He had been preparing me, as He always is. So I pray daily for His wisdom in my life...He is very faithful and always shows me what I need, sometimes I don't hear Him at the time, but I look back and see where He showed me and it just amazes me.
God loves us and He loves our spouses equally, even when they hurt us, and even when we hurt them. Most of us do not do things intentionally to harm our spouses, we just don't know how to respond. I had a moment where I did not know how to respond recently. I froze solid, I could not say anything bad (praise God) and I could not say anything good. My silence was known, but the reason for it was not, then after a minute...which felt to me like an hour, I respond how I felt. Then I removed myself because I could feel my anger creeping up and I began to pray silently. "God, I don't know how to respond." I explained how I knew what HIS Word said to do, and what my husband needed me to do, but I just did not know how to make myself do it. My husband then said he would give me space and in my alone time I prayed quietly out loud for God to show me how to move forward. Then I felt HE wanted me to serve my husband, to rub his feet and legs which are often tired from the work he does. I am not saying my husband had done anything wrong, just that my feelings were crushed and I felt like he was wrong, again this is not about him it is about me. It took very little strength after all the prayer to do what I felt the Lord had asked me to do, even with my feelings hurt. My husband was shocked that I would come and give him a massage after telling him how hurt I was...but "I'm not who I was." We were able to communicate peacefully and all was well again.
After our talk, the next day things seemed to be right back where they were before our talk. During our trying times I held my tongue and spoke only when I needed to. My grid I run things through goes like this "Is what's going on REALLY worth saying anything over, will it change anything for the better? Is what I am about to say going to lift up or tear down? Are the children going to hear what I am saying and see me as the one in charge? I am not perfect at using this, but when I do it goes well.
When we are alone I quietly and peacefully talk to him about what I am seeing. I ask questions to understand why things are happening the way they are. I hear him say he feels the way I do. He is not seeing or feeling love from me so it is hard for him to show it back. The old me would have came back hard at him with all the ways I show my love...BUT I remember and hear him in my mind saying" I don't talk to you about what I am upset with you about because you always tell me I am wrong.." So the enemy tries to come in to this discussion and he says to me.." But he is wrong...you do show love." BUT the still small voice says..." you show love the way you see it...but how does he see it?" So I ask him what he is lacking, what is it he needs from me to feel the love I am trying to show him. I later explain how I do feel I show love and the ways in which I feel I am showing it. To my surprise he agrees those are things I do and things which show love, and he needs those things too....but that is not ALL he needs. So neither of us are wrong, we just need to understand what it is that is needed. When we both feel it is hard to show love to the other when we are not seeing it returned, one of us needs to give in and show it anyway...and it seems from my side this is like a teeter totter, he gives when I am not and I give when he is not...but sometimes there is a balance and we are both giving at the same time. The balance is what my goal is. In order to meet that goal I must give all the time, all is a strong word, but I need to purpose myself to the all, I will fall short at times but the goal is ALL. If I am always giving and he is always receiving then even if he is stubborn he will come around in time and it will be mutual. My prayer is he sees this too and wants to always give so we get to the goal faster...BUT my commitment is to "do unto him as I would have done unto me." EVEN if it is not returned.
And that is my thoughts for today.
Scriptures copied from www.biblegateway.com the HCSB version
Luke 6:31
Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them.
Ephesians 5
Wives and Husbands
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.
31 For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother
and be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh.
his father and mother
and be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh.
32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
1 John 3:16
1 John 3:16
[ Love in Action ] This is how we have come to know love: He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers.
http://youtu.be/kimzcn1XG_k
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