Insecurities

Insecurities tend to show up quickly when the "new" of a relationship wears off.  This is one of the reasons I think it's best to take a relationship slow and still have plenty of time apart from one another...not just time away while at work, real time away.  Do what it is we did before, remembering we are in a relationship. This was not the path I ever chose but this is the path I have seen and heard is best, I feel it's best in my heart too.

In the relationships I had before my husband, I was called many things...one most common name was "crazy" and "psycho".  Although even at that time in my life I do not agree with the names, I now see why they were said.  I was very jealous and that is an understatement.  I had no trust for any man, but I always felt fine till things got "serious".  I seemed like two different people.  One was loving and sweet, the other mistrusting and controlling.  No one ever saw it coming...not even me.  Which is why I was surprised that when I met my husband I never became that "crazy psycho".  Did I EVER get jealous?  Yes, a couple times when he would work late several times in a row I would say, " If you are cheating on me, I will kill you."  Hey I was far from Christ, and although I would have been heart broken, I was not truly crazy and psycho and I never meant I would REALLY kill him.  

Then even that jealousy subsided as I learned his character more.  Never really dating each other and being married after a little over a year of knowing each other had us learning things about each other we should have already known. 

Now I said I would not mention sins of another person, but I do feel that mentioning we both brought in mistrust to our marriage is important.  Both of us had been cheated on and lied to.  It was hard at times to look past what had been done to us and see that we were no longer living in that abuse.

Bringing this type of insecurity into a relationship even when on the outside it is not shown, still causes internal conflict which does show it's ugly head on the outside in other forms.  One of my boys was diagnosed ADHD, ODD and PTSD with some symptoms of Aspergers as well.  At home he has been wild and at times uncontrollable.  At school he was calm and cool.  He tells me he holds it all in at school then lets loose at home.  Dr.'s say this is common because at home, even though there is punishment, children still feel safe so they relax.  I said that to say we as people are much like this...it's kind of like squeezing one of those squishy toys, sure we are making one part small but it has to bulge out somewhere else.  If I hold in the jealousy instead of "taking out the trash" as one pastor called it, I will erupt in another area.

Each insecurity must be identified, acknowledge that it will cause strife and sin, OWNED, and prayed on...worked on...worked out and let go.

Owning our own insecurity to me is very essential to working it out and letting it go.  I battle many insecurities. When I was a child I was a lot like my boy who holds it together at school. Part of what my son and I battle is being "socially awkward".  We can over talk, talk over, change subjects, stay on subjects when others have moved on, take over, say awkward things most people do not say, over explain etc.  This plus big 80's hair and hairy arms caused me a lot of grief in school.  Plus I was usually a teachers pet.  I had few friends and those friends never really wanted me over after school.  When school was out teachers pet was gone and I was abusive to my friends...I could have been the creator of AFV.  I would do Three Stooges type things to them and wonder why they were angry...I mean it was funny...to me.  I think I was almost 20 or even older before I looked back and saw what I had done to my friends.   Even though this was my problem it caused me to feel alone and singled out.  That feeling caused many insecurities, along with the normal teasing kids did. My name is Sheri and I was raised in the time period of WWF and Scarey Sherry...not cool, my last name rhymed with stutter...it was not fun times.  But not owning these insecurities would cause me to blame my husband for my feelings of insecurity.  He would have to be Jesus to make me feel secure all by himself.

Many men and women have a hard time realizing their spouse cannot fix them.  It is not their spouses responsibility to walk on egg shells so that they do not feel insecure.  My husband can tell me I am beautiful all he wants and I still see arms that I want to stay tan so the hair is lighter, a nose I never liked, big hips...etc etc.  He can't fix what was broken inside me for so many years. This is a me problem, I still battle at times, but now I have a relationship with the one who created me and I see myself more through His eyes and 95% of the time, I only feel ugly when I ACT ugly. 

We also must encourage our spouses to work out their own insecurities and not make us their savior.  The world around us is full of stress and taking on the burden of being someone's savior, which we can never be, is adding stress to our lives.  That stress will add to arguments in the relationship, arguments which may not even be about the insecurity, we may just nit pick something else because the "bulge" is popping out somewhere else.

I deal with insecurities with acquaintances and friends as well.  If I may have been taken the wrong way but I was not addressed and someone just pulls away, I want to go and fix things...things which may not be broken.  I trust the Holy Spirit in this area now, most of the time I believe I hear " Leave it alone, if they do think this about you, it is better they learn this is not how you are then for you to hunt them down and tell them you are not this way."  It's hard, but I can't live my life walking on egg shells either.  Most of this world communicates through typing/text now, this leaves much room for misinterpretation.  Many people will not call someone or even ask what the person meant, they will just assume it was meant this way or that way.  Our lives would be wasted if we spent all the time it would take to figure out the intent of every remark we COULD take the wrong way.  We need to just let it go.

All marriages are work, whether we bring our pasts in or not.  The key they say, is to NEVER talk about walking out.  No matter how mad you are, no matter how emotionally hurt (physical abuse is another matter), you work it out.  A married couple is a partnership and both should remember that.  They are not enemies they are partners.  Couples will not agree all the time, BUT understanding each other is important.  There are times I do not need my husband to give in and go with what I want, I just want him to see why I want things to go a certain way.  When he gets what I am saying but still makes a different choice I am okay, not thrilled, but I support that choice and it becomes OUR choice.  In the area of insecurities, we do not turn our back on our spouses insecurities, we acknowledge them and support them in working them out, but we do not allow ourselves to be blamed for the insecurity.

I realize some spouses have infidelity issues.  This would cause an insecurity in a spouse, one in which the offender is responsible for causing.  Both parties need to take their share of the responsibility.  Although a spouse was unfaithful, that again does not make them the savior.  What has been done has been done.  The only thing the offender can do is stop, repent, never do it again and be a support as the victim heals. I hope the choice is to always stay and work things out, and if that choice is made then the victim must realize in order for things to get better the issue must be laid to rest.  It is amazing the peace our TRUE Savior can bring when we ask.  They say He is in the restoration business, and I like that one pastor said,  He can make it better than before, because many of us do not want back what we had because it was not good to start with. 

I am pasting a link here to a song used by the above mentioned pastor in his sermon.  http://youtu.be/ECGZz5ScfL8