I raised my "white flag"...yet again. Last night when I wanted to be sleeping, thoughts were rushing through my mind about things I have no knowledge of and can only guess about. Wondering, is this person who hurt me hurting me now. Beside the fact I am allowing them to indirectly hurt me by the past pain they caused keeping me in emotional bondage, robbing my joy and stealing my peace, the answer is unknown. Sure I can play "Nancy Drew" like I have before...and started to yesterday...BUT will the answer satisfy me? If the answer is an apparent no...I still sense betrayal. If the answer is yes, I feel defeated again.
So why seek the answer?
In the past I asked myself that very question multiple times yet still investigated till I got evidence of betrayal. Then I would feel alone all over again. As if no one understood me, and truly there is only ONE who does understand us. Another question comes...
Will the answer to my question and my confrontation of people amount to resolve? Will the person/people admit their part and actually be remorseful? The answer in the past has always been a resounding NO to both questions.
Sadly so many people live in a "victim" mentality where they feel no matter what pain they cause others it is justified. They will even tell themselves you are hurting them or letting them down in some way so they can feel it is alright to do what they are doing to you. This can even be a person who believes in God and says they believe His Word. Do unto to others as you want done unto you....well that gets twisted in their mind to " Do unto others as they do unto you." The even worse part is...no one did anything to them, they base what they believe others are doing off of what THEY would do in our place....The whole thought process is enough to wear a person OUT. So why bother?
If a betrayal is committed before my eyes and needs no investigation, I still confront, but in love with my feelings and I try to make it non blaming. Even if the blame is on them, blame does not produce healing in either party. So I would say something like this. " When I saw you ________________ I felt ____________." Then leave it. Unless the other party wants to redirect and then I still stay as neutral as possible. For me remorse for their hurtful actions is what I seek. If they are not remorseful when I confront them in love, the "victim" will surely not be remorseful if I continue pushing the issue. After peace is spoke, I then go on what I need, if I need space I ask for space, in a loving way. "I'm going to need some space for a while so I can process this." If I am okay emotionally and do not feel any outbursts coming on I can say "that is all" and go back to the "norm" of our relationship.
Please keep in mind there is no need to keep people in our lives who are not family if there is constant betrayal. And we must be sure not to enable anyone's sinful behavior, WHILE understanding we do not have the ability to heal them of their sinful behavior only God does. God can use us...but often we will not be the ones used to help them heal because of our close emotional connection to the person/people.
So back to last night, laying awake before a BIG day for me and I am thinking " I can't allow them to rob me. More than likely they are sleeping fine, they are eating fine and my BIG day is nowhere on their mind...why bother with having them on my mind?" so I breath and try to clear my mind enough to pray without interruption. "Lord, I give this situation to You." I have NO real idea what is going on with them and if they are hurting me still. I sense they are, but, You know, so I give my concern to You. Please help them to be repentant and seek You and Your will and ways. Help me Lord to not dwell on what has been done. Help me to be free of bondage that holds me back from doing Your will. Fill me with Your peace for this night and day that lie ahead. Thank You for Your faithfulness and compassion. In Jesus name, Amen."
Then I slept and woke up ready to get out of bed on the first alarm. I pray daily to have peace etc through my temptation. Temptation for me is being faced with those who hurt me and wanting to tell them how I REALLY feel. So I will pray this again today and I will take what steps I need to take to face the day as His child out to do His will. In other words, thoughts my rush in again but I will close the door to them and wave my "white flag" again. My only weapon in this case is prayer and it is a peaceful weapon meant to heal and not harm. Healing for me and healing in time for them as well.
Remembering today and always, Ephesians 6:2 For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.
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