"Farther along" Some day I'll understand why

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IctD9l4F-ag&list=FLpUpD9zO6pq8-BaKZP-TXfg&feature=mh_lolz

So I am on a roller coaster and it is one most travel on alone.  Alone on the ride makes a person sad...with a partner...well that makes a person MAD.  This ride began for a loved one before it did for me.

 After years of trying to get a Dr. to follow through my loved one, I'll call Paige, found out she had a brain tumor.  It was called an acoustic neuroma or a vestibular schwanomma, I joke now and say " You say schwanomma and I say neuroma...(potAto potato, tomAto tomato) and I CAN make fun now, cause I am in the same boat...almost the exact same boat.  I was diagnosed with the same tumor just days ago.

I was pregnant and nursing my children for so long I did not want to check into why my hearing was bad and I had many other symptoms.  I am not a person to complain about what ails me and I would tell myself, " You are a mom, that's why" or " Your grandmother was a clutz too" and so on.  So after finding out my hearing loss was not related to a loud noise like I had assumed, I was told to get an MRI and I fully expected the MRI to show nothing. I had fought the enemy's thoughts of MS since I had many muscle issues but really I was not expecting to hear what I did.  I called the Dr. at Paige's suggestion and then I waited a long 2 hours for the office to call back with the MRI results.  Hearing the Dr. say the same thing he had told Paige actually had me wondering if I was actually hearing him talking to me or replaying what I thought he would have said to her.  I had him repeat what he said, I told him I was fine and then nearly fell over right after I said that.  I was given an appointment to discuss "options".  Paige came with me and that was great, it just would have been better if she was not going through the same thing and she feels the same about me.  We joked and laughed in spite of the diagnosis.  She tries to be strong for me, I can tell....her cape gives her away.  I try to be strong for her too. 

I have faith and I trust God, I don't blame Him even in the slightest bit.  Do I have questions?  Oh yah. Am I strong enough to hold everything together I had been plus this on top of it...NOPE...but ^ HE is... and I am leaning into HIM and physically on Paige and all who love me.  I like to have ears to bend but I want mine bent right back, I don't want sympathy and I SURE DON'T want empathy, I don't feel sad for myself but obviously I would not choose this.

 So enough on that, the good from this which I am seeing already???

• The empathy I DON'T want, well I have it now for Paige and others in similar situations.    Empathy is an ugly beauty.  
• I take Christ with me when I go to the Dr. and He was there the first day I met the ENT surgeon who looked at me like I was on drugs when he came in and I was smiling.  I actually did a few minor face checks thinking maybe I had something on my face...why was this guy looking at me like that? 
• I am much cooler around my children and I express my feelings better...I now realize I am not "mad" at what they did, my feelings were hurt.  I am not angry I expected more.  etc.
• I am taking in more ah ha moments.
• I am granting myself more grace.
• I am getting the glasses I have needed for years and always told myself we could not afford.
• I am getting shoes that fit for the same reason as above.
• I am actually starting projects and going further with them.

and more... I am not doing these things because I think I am going to die...I am doing them because I KNOW I am going to...SOMEDAY... we all will...or get raptured...that sounds nice too. I realize my life is worth more than I once thought it was.  As a character in " To Save A Life" said "What's the point in all of this if you are not going to let it change you?"  I want to be more Christ like and I am thankful, truly, through everything. 

Matthew 6:25-34
[ Do Not Worry ] “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ...via biblegateway.com


God bless

Running in wedge heeled shoes

On a beautiful day when I was feeling like I was 22 still, my younger sister challenged me to a race from my grandparents porch to my mother's porch...one house away.  I am always up for a race...even in wedge heeled shoes.  I took off and in my mind I could see myself falling but in my heart I truly felt I would run hard and at least tie with her.  My over excitement in the moment caused me to laugh harder than I was running and I began to double over.  I knew I was a gonner the shoes were my downfall and I was an awkward mess crash landing behind my sister as she turned to get a good view of a goof ball rolling in the front yard in front of nearby traffic.  I hit the ground hard in a very stuntman like body tuck and roll.  Grass stained and in a tad bit of pain I stood laughing at the thought of what I must have looked like.

Some would say that I thought myself to failure, some would say my mind tried to warn me, others would say I should have known better all together.  I say...it was a blast and I'd do it all over again.  The goal was to beat her or at least tie, to show that this older sister still had it in her, but the accomplishment was better then the goal... A memory that we both still talk about and laugh over. 

There are many people who would have been embarrassed to fall so publicly or have their ego crushed because they failed at what they set out to do, maybe angry because they were grass stained etc.  But for me...at least that time, I was just loving life and thankful I was not actually injured.

When I look at my life right now, it reminds me a lot of running in wedge heeled shoes.  I set out with one goal in mind and I failed miserably at reaching that goal, but I have choices as I fall in my stuntman style roll, I can be a sour puss or I can take in every moment and just enjoy the life I've been given knowing that the thing yet to be accomplished is going to be soooo much better than what I set out for....if I allow it to happen.  

I can't ask to be without the grass stains and bruises, but I CAN wear them with a heart of thanksgiving which says " this life is messy, but God, it's good.  It's painful but the growth that comes from the pain is worth the journey through it.

I bend and I sway,
At times it seems too hard to pray.
My pride I swallow, yet it has hands and nails which dig in.
I am weighted under a million pounds of anger and grief.
I am against myself, my own worst enemy.
It seems I am standing inside myself
I hear an angry woman,
she is crushed and broken,
she is afraid and ashamed.
I cry for her, she can't hear me, I beg her to stop and just move on. 
She is not acknowledging me.
I hear the Holy Spirit gently calming her.
Slowly she gives way and I notice that angry woman was me.
It is hard to see past the haggard glazed expressionless face  
Broken alone and defeated I force a smile.
I gather up just enough strength to make it the next mile.
I tell myself it won't happen again, no evil done to me will get me to give way to pride and anger again.
But I know the only way OUT is IN. 
Inside of me are dandelions and carnations,
they cannot live in harmony one must go.
To remove the dandelions I must be sure to get the root and the seed.
So one by one on my knees I will gently remove each weed and it's seeds.
I will push on for the garden I long for, the one full of the gorgeous wonderfully fragrant carnations.

Today I begin a new chapter in this life and it requires more faith than I have every had to have.  I have suffered 4 pregnancy losses and had faith to endure past the first loss for two beautiful babies, then faith after the next three losses for two more beautiful babies.  God I am blessed beyond measure.  I have been standing in faith for relationships to be restored and Melanoma to not return or be found anywhere else.  But this time it is more.  I fight to keep all I fought for and to keep it the way I believe it was promised.  I press on knowing anything that would be lost would not be God's fault, and with all lost there is so much more I gain.  I am happy and blessed with any outcome because I have already won.  Thank You Jesus! 

God bless

Dishonor and the "ugly root"

Yesterday did not fall short in lesson teaching.  I very much enjoy when I am talking to someone and during the pause in conversation my ears tune into something someone is saying elsewhere that I needed to hear. I get tonight's title from a tuned in moment .  "People pleasing".  Hearing a Pastor talk about honoring people and how some of us dishonor people, self included, got me thinking about how often I dishonor people who hurt me.  By dishonor I mean I talk about all the the things they have done to me, believe me I have a huge list. 

The problem is, I say I talk about how they hurt me to "vent" but all it does is allow me to channel my negative feelings out and on to someone else, who more than likely is tired of hearing the same complaints day in and day out.  I only feel a relief when I an basically getting angry at the person who hurt me out loud to another person.  Then I feel I have done well because I did not get angry at the person face to face so they did not suffer, but I still look like a fool.  Sad, the person hurt ends up looking like the fool...again. 

Breaking this down I see that I...

•  number one dump negativity in large amounts on people I love and because they love me, they take it and in turn probably pour it back out unknowingly on others,
• number two wear that person out from hearing from me because they know at some point I am going to "vent" my pain to them.
• number three I dishonor the person I am venting about.  Yes they hurt me, yes it was wrong BUT telling someone else how horrible they are is not only making them look worse then they probably are but also making me look like someone who will go behind someones back and talk about them.  Granted I am not making fun of the person, but I am still talking bad about them.

Here is a made up example of how I would not like it done to me.  Again this is a made up example and it is NOT something that actually happened:

Husband comes home from work, house is a disaster from one room to the next, older children are still awake and I am passed out in a chair holding the baby.  Husband did not say anything to me about what he sees but instead takes care of it(yah right lol) and then the next day tells all the men at work how lazy his wife is.  To him that is how it may have appeared but what he didn't know is that on that particular day, I was awake with one or the other of the three children at various points of the night before and I HAD cleaned the house and done all but the dinner dishes but then I sat down for a break and passed out meanwhile the children awake and decide it is a great time for rumpus play and destroy everything I had done.  
Can you imagine how hurt I would have been if my husband had not at least asked me about the mess before telling his co-workers how "lazy" I am?

Now sometimes the person is at fault for the pain or laziness they caused but talking about them does not help them, it doesn't fix the problem, actually it makes it worse because not only were we thinking about how horrible they were, we are no saying it out loud, getting it deep in our minds and hearts.  It is hard to give grace and love someone who we have convinced ourselves is the enemy. 



God is in control, I have seen so much reaping and sowing in my life and around me, both good and bad, I do not have to question if He is going to handle it or not.  Now it does sting when the person reaps of the bad they have been sowing but they are too hard hearted to get why they are reaping it...but I also know just like I am finally starting to get this much....they will eventually get it too.  And I am talking about the people that have to be in our lives, not the ones we can walk away from.  A co-worker is not a choice we make they have to be there, some day they may move on but it is not our choice, a relative is in our lives without choice, a spouse, a child etc.  We can set healthy boundaries but they will still be there.


 It also seems to me, many people also like to relate to others.  One man complains about his wife the next has a better story or similar, same is true about our children, or finances etc.  In the grand scheme of it all, most of us have no one to blame but ourselves and we are actually pretty happy, but we just wanted "Jane" to know we are "bad off" too and to let "Tom" know our wife burns dinners too...etc 


All of this gets into our hearts and minds and pollutes them.  It tends to make us useless and assume the worse of people.
I have seen bitterness in a beautiful person, and IT is ugly.  Bitterness's breeding ground is a heart without grace, a heart that is longing for God to "fix" a situation rather than allowing Him to give it peace, understanding, patience and love.


Is it enough that God knows?  Can I/we be satisfied knowing He is in control?  What good does it do to tell others about how someone hurt us?  If we are seeking prayer we do NOT have to be specific, again God knows and all the people we seek prayer from need to know is the basics.  "I need prayer for myself so I do not become bitter and I need prayer for someone in my life who is hurting me."


None of this is meant to be condemning, quite the opposite.  It is freeing to just trust God, I've done it and know...but I have been picking and choosing the times I will just trust.  Thank God for grace, peace, wisdom...and a brand new day!


1Timothy 2
⁵ For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus,
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.
Psalm 37:5

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act,

 

God bless!

The Heat is ON

The weather is FINALLY warming up, with the gloom lifting from outdoors, my moods seem to be more uplifting as well.  So what happens when I start to feel better, well the enemy cranks up the "heat".  Health issues, financial strains, broken appliances and people making poor choices which only effect the people who already sacrifice....oh it all leaves my spirit in war with my flesh even more so than normal. 

I want to shout out "IT'S NOT FAIR"...or socially crawl under a rock(metaphorical rock).  Saddly I am not far from already being under a rock, friends and family are far from me, gas is insufficient I rarely leave this house that has all but entombed me and my children.  Oh maybe it is a bit dramatic but gosh darn it, I have been on the verge of stir crazy for some time... Blessedly I love to clean and rearrange and this is how I spend my near break down times, music cranked and children dancing, they have no clue mom is singing, dancing and cleaning to stay sane.

I have cried to one friend so many times I often find myself laying the phone back down and just trying to change my thought pattern, which is healthier anyway...for most people anyway.  I tend to do well till a straw breaks the camels back, then I end up trying to calm this eruption of fire inside me.  Through prayer and reading the Word daily I have gotten better at just shutting up, but I do ask how long will this go on.  Will certain people ever learn how destructive and selfish their behavior is to the people they...love???

I sigh...cause like Solomon said, it's all meaningless.  In the grand scheme of life I have no reason to complain.  Comparing myself to the poor in a third world country I should never have a tear falling from my eyes, I have never tasted the pain they have.  But as some say, pain is pain is pain.  We each feel it based on our own personal life experiences.  One thing is for sure, I can teach my children how to avoid my mistakes, yet I am left praying they follow my advice and not my past footprints.

Oh the heat is on and I have been feeling like a stick of butter, melting and being spread too thin on a piece of over toasted bread, being crammed into a large mouth that is just mouhing down and chasing me back with a gallon of milk....pretty descriptive?  Well I am feeling pretty descriptive tonight.    I never said this would all be sunshine, just that it would be about my struggles and achievements. 

Achievement 1 for tonight I let my pain out...somewhat...here in this blog, and now I will pray some more and if the children allow I will read more, otherwise I am off to a tv to crank up TBN or a like station. 

James 5:16
Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
Please pray for me I am praying for you all in spirit.

Move Along Now...Nothing To See

1 Thessalonians 4:11(NLT)

¹¹ Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.

Not leaving well enough alone...killing all sorts of relationships since the dawn of time.  If your answer to the question, "Will this matter if I or they left this earth?" is no, it will not matter, then let it be.  Who cares how that post was meant to be read, who cares who it is for, who cares how many "More" children this person is gonna have and how many times that girl got sick and how many times the other girl is having a down day...unless you want to help out in a way they would appreciate...move along nothing to see.

"Oh but they put their business on a public social media site.  They are asking for judgement!"  No, really they are more than likely looking for someone to say, " I get you, I have been there, I'm so sorry it's that way, Praying for you, Want to go to lunch?, Hey I have time, I'm on my way over..." etc

If they are "asking" for judgement, then so is the person judging them.

Matthew 7:1-3(HCSB)

Do Not Judge

7 “Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged. ² For with the judgment you use, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ³ Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye?God IS Love, so when I say Love is all that matters, it works on more than one level.  Love IS all that matters.  Love the people in your life, judge them and they will turn from us, help them and they will run to us.  Help doesn't mean enable, some times practical advice is all that is needed with a follow up. 

I have heard and read it before and I saw it on a sign in a woman's office on Friday, love it... "Be the change you want to see."  Everyone of us is influencing someone...hope it is in a good way.

God bless!

Falling out

She screamed, she cried, she fell to the floor

she looked up, she died, then went back for more...

Luke 9:23-24 (HCSB)

Take Up Your Cross

²³ Then He said to them all, “If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily,and follow Me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will save it.
I've done a lot thinking I am allowing God to work in my life. But in all honesty, I have not allowed Him to.  I allow Him access and then I take back control when He is not moving fast enough for me.   Thankfully He is a God of mercy and grace.  

There is a song and the lyrics say " The pain is real even if nobody knows, and I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me."  

I sing the song as if it fits me...but really I can tell you some people know I am dying inside.  Take for instance my mom, whose ear I talk off for what would be hours on end if I did not have children to attend to and my best girlfriend who hears the same thing over and over and over again.  I thank God for their patience with me as I do not easily move on and if I move on I revisit the same things again as soon as I am hurt again. 

I believe I have forgiven each offense against me most times the instance it happens but at the same time I just can't let go.   I struggle with WHY someone could hurt me the same way time and time again.  How could someone be so selfish and when confronted say sorry then do it all over again and again?  How long before they "Get" it...will they "get" it?   I know my own faults and I pray, I read the Word, I ask for wisdom strength I repent, etc etc.  but I do not see the results of repentance from the other side of this relationship so how do I smile each day I am around them.  To me it is a fake smile because they hurt me and are not really sorry and they intend to keep hurting me....so how can I smile? 

I had a "brilliant" plan...I was going to just act, yep like an actress, I would repeat ad lib lines to each thing they said to me and smile ear to ear.  I am a joyous person by nature, but I feel I am allowing them to rob me of that joy.   I am a goof by nature, I run and dance with my children in the house I sing loud and shout to the Lord, I pray hard and love hard but I feel robbed because I believe if I am "me" then they will see me happy and think it is okay to crush me mentally each chance they get.  I believe they will think I am naive and I don't know what they are doing...I feel I have to let them know.  Why?  "CAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR!!!'" How is it that they get to smile and laugh while I carry this all on my own?  How is it I am expected to not react.  Be angry and sin not?  I only know how to be angry AND SIN... My mouth spouts out abuse to my attacker because I hurt and I want them to know.

My stress levels are so high that my once super thick hair is now thin. Falling out at rapid rates. I eat just to be eating I crave things and have a hard time telling myself no....for any length of time.  I cave to things the children do because I don't feel strong enough to fight more than one battle...  I don't feel humble I feel feeble...
I go to read the Word and the baby cries, then my toddler needs me and it is time to help with home schooling, now lunch needs to be made and then the dishes need cleaned but the baby needs me and I can't wash dishes with one arm.  then the baby falls a sleep but then the toddler screams and then everyone is screaming and I am putting out fires none stop.  It is bed time...all are sleeping and I start to read and I make it through a chapter..if that and I am out like a light till someone cries again.  I am sleep deprived and moody as all get out.  I am a million miles from friends and family and I never leave the house unless it is to take my circus act on the road to church and the grocery store.  It's cold and icing/snowing and there is nothing I can do with an infant outside so that the other children can enjoy fresh air...AHHHHH and all that goes with it.  I want to throw a fit.  

People tell me not to "put up" with the things that are done to me, but they do not truly understand my stance.  I want to honor God.  Though I am not currently truly honoring Him, I can't make matters worse and purposely dishonor Him either.  I look to Him for answers and I get a word from a pastor, one that he says to help the congregation but probably has no idea just how life saving it is to me.  He tells a story he has heard about air in a glass bottle and how the best way to get it out is to put water in...the Word of God is the water. 

So after that message I go home and start thinking about just how I am going to do that.   I fall asleep when it is my free time to read the Word...how can I fill my metaphorical glass with water when I keep passing out?  Well little by little I am getting there, every second of the day I am "on purpose" as a book another pastor pointed me to taught me.  My purpose is to be more Christ like and the way to get there is to stay more in His Word.  so I think often okay I have 1 minute...pick up that bible and read, okay I have another few minutes pick up that bible and read...okay my thoughts are sinking again and I have no time to read my hands are full, turn on that praise music and sing... Casting all wrong thoughts down and lifting Him up in praise, I stay away from being a broken mess on the floor and I wait patiently for the work He is doing in me to come to pass and for the work He is doing in others around me to manifest itself. I am standing and holding on...even if my hair isn't on board with me. ;)




http://www.amazon.com/The-On-Purpose-Person-Making-Sense/dp/0974052515

But A River Runs Through It...

There is a place that seems cold, dark and lonely...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where time seems to stand still and pain abounds...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where laughter is not heard but as a mocking sound in the distance, where tears flow like waterfalls to the earth below which swallows them whole, never to be seen...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where she is her own worst enemy and madness abounds, where she is kept prisoner bound by invisible chains, onlookers scoff at her in disbelief of her inability to move, they can't see the chains that bind...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where she screams out for help knowing to get help she must first help herself.  In a ball she hides under strong wings, she clings to the strong tower.  There she is kept safe, loving hands reach for her, but she only can grab the fingertips, she is holding on with all her might feeling that at any moment she will fall, again...She lets go and the monster is unleashed, she is in a place of fear and torment...
But a river runs through it.

She tries to run from herself, but she knows nothing can change what she is deep inside.  She runs day and night stopping only to breakdown, in her weakness she stands and cries from the depths of her soul...It's the cry of a warrior she takes off charging toward the valley.  She looks to the mountains that surround her and then to the sky, the sun drenches her face with warm rays which energize her.  The wings of shelter she once hid under sweep down and fly beside her as she charges onward through the valley knocking over the evil that lurks at every dark hollow,  the hands that have held her are there to catch her if she should fall as she climbs out of the valley.  Finally out of the valley she doesn't dare look back she charges onward through the strength that sustains her. In the distance she can hear laughter.  The screams of torment coming from behind her are being drowned out by the joyful song of the river which runs through her world, through her spirit.    She reaches the river and runs straight in. The water washes over her and she is fully submerged, she rises out of the river washed and refreshed, the chains have dissolved and she is free.

Ahead she can see a young woman scared and frightened. The woman, noticing the presence of light sinks back into the shadows of her own torment.   The warrior emerges no longer bound by chains but now wrapped in compassion. The warrior glides toward the darkness, with each step she takes the light from inside her is bursting out lighting the way before her.  The young woman is now out of site in the shadow land...but a river runs through it.

Isaiah 12:3
You will joyfully draw water from the springs of salvation,

Isaiah 49:10
They will not hunger or thirst, the scorching heat or sun will not strike them; for their compassionate One will guide them, and lead them to springs of water.

John 4:14
But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again—ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”

Revelation 7:17
For the Lamb who is at the center of the throne will shepherd them; He will guide them to springs of living waters, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Revelation 21:6
And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give water as a gift to the thirsty from the spring of life.