So I am on a roller coaster and it is one most travel on alone. Alone on the ride makes a person sad...with a partner...well that makes a person MAD. This ride began for a loved one before it did for me.
After years of trying to get a Dr. to follow through my loved one, I'll call Paige, found out she had a brain tumor. It was called an acoustic neuroma or a vestibular schwanomma, I joke now and say " You say schwanomma and I say neuroma...(potAto potato, tomAto tomato) and I CAN make fun now, cause I am in the same boat...almost the exact same boat. I was diagnosed with the same tumor just days ago.
I was pregnant and nursing my children for so long I did not want to check into why my hearing was bad and I had many other symptoms. I am not a person to complain about what ails me and I would tell myself, " You are a mom, that's why" or " Your grandmother was a clutz too" and so on. So after finding out my hearing loss was not related to a loud noise like I had assumed, I was told to get an MRI and I fully expected the MRI to show nothing. I had fought the enemy's thoughts of MS since I had many muscle issues but really I was not expecting to hear what I did. I called the Dr. at Paige's suggestion and then I waited a long 2 hours for the office to call back with the MRI results. Hearing the Dr. say the same thing he had told Paige actually had me wondering if I was actually hearing him talking to me or replaying what I thought he would have said to her. I had him repeat what he said, I told him I was fine and then nearly fell over right after I said that. I was given an appointment to discuss "options". Paige came with me and that was great, it just would have been better if she was not going through the same thing and she feels the same about me. We joked and laughed in spite of the diagnosis. She tries to be strong for me, I can tell....her cape gives her away. I try to be strong for her too.
I have faith and I trust God, I don't blame Him even in the slightest bit. Do I have questions? Oh yah. Am I strong enough to hold everything together I had been plus this on top of it...NOPE...but ^ HE is... and I am leaning into HIM and physically on Paige and all who love me. I like to have ears to bend but I want mine bent right back, I don't want sympathy and I SURE DON'T want empathy, I don't feel sad for myself but obviously I would not choose this.
So enough on that, the good from this which I am seeing already???
- The empathy I DON'T want, well I have it now for Paige and others in similar situations. Empathy is an ugly beauty.
- I take Christ with me when I go to the Dr. and He was there the first day I met the ENT surgeon who looked at me like I was on drugs when he came in and I was smiling. I actually did a few minor face checks thinking maybe I had something on my face...why was this guy looking at me like that?
- I am much cooler around my children and I express my feelings better...I now realize I am not "mad" at what they did, my feelings were hurt. I am not angry I expected more. etc.
- I am taking in more ah ha moments.
- I am granting myself more grace.
- I am getting the glasses I have needed for years and always told myself we could not afford.
- I am getting shoes that fit for the same reason as above.
- I am actually starting projects and going further with them.
Matthew 6:25-34
[ Do Not Worry ] “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ...via biblegateway.com
God bless
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