Running in wedge heeled shoes

On a beautiful day when I was feeling like I was 22 still, my younger sister challenged me to a race from my grandparents porch to my mother's porch...one house away.  I am always up for a race...even in wedge heeled shoes.  I took off and in my mind I could see myself falling but in my heart I truly felt I would run hard and at least tie with her.  My over excitement in the moment caused me to laugh harder than I was running and I began to double over.  I knew I was a gonner the shoes were my downfall and I was an awkward mess crash landing behind my sister as she turned to get a good view of a goof ball rolling in the front yard in front of nearby traffic.  I hit the ground hard in a very stuntman like body tuck and roll.  Grass stained and in a tad bit of pain I stood laughing at the thought of what I must have looked like.

Some would say that I thought myself to failure, some would say my mind tried to warn me, others would say I should have known better all together.  I say...it was a blast and I'd do it all over again.  The goal was to beat her or at least tie, to show that this older sister still had it in her, but the accomplishment was better then the goal... A memory that we both still talk about and laugh over. 

There are many people who would have been embarrassed to fall so publicly or have their ego crushed because they failed at what they set out to do, maybe angry because they were grass stained etc.  But for me...at least that time, I was just loving life and thankful I was not actually injured.

When I look at my life right now, it reminds me a lot of running in wedge heeled shoes.  I set out with one goal in mind and I failed miserably at reaching that goal, but I have choices as I fall in my stuntman style roll, I can be a sour puss or I can take in every moment and just enjoy the life I've been given knowing that the thing yet to be accomplished is going to be soooo much better than what I set out for....if I allow it to happen.  

I can't ask to be without the grass stains and bruises, but I CAN wear them with a heart of thanksgiving which says " this life is messy, but God, it's good.  It's painful but the growth that comes from the pain is worth the journey through it.

I bend and I sway,
At times it seems too hard to pray.
My pride I swallow, yet it has hands and nails which dig in.
I am weighted under a million pounds of anger and grief.
I am against myself, my own worst enemy.
It seems I am standing inside myself
I hear an angry woman,
she is crushed and broken,
she is afraid and ashamed.
I cry for her, she can't hear me, I beg her to stop and just move on. 
She is not acknowledging me.
I hear the Holy Spirit gently calming her.
Slowly she gives way and I notice that angry woman was me.
It is hard to see past the haggard glazed expressionless face  
Broken alone and defeated I force a smile.
I gather up just enough strength to make it the next mile.
I tell myself it won't happen again, no evil done to me will get me to give way to pride and anger again.
But I know the only way OUT is IN. 
Inside of me are dandelions and carnations,
they cannot live in harmony one must go.
To remove the dandelions I must be sure to get the root and the seed.
So one by one on my knees I will gently remove each weed and it's seeds.
I will push on for the garden I long for, the one full of the gorgeous wonderfully fragrant carnations.

Today I begin a new chapter in this life and it requires more faith than I have every had to have.  I have suffered 4 pregnancy losses and had faith to endure past the first loss for two beautiful babies, then faith after the next three losses for two more beautiful babies.  God I am blessed beyond measure.  I have been standing in faith for relationships to be restored and Melanoma to not return or be found anywhere else.  But this time it is more.  I fight to keep all I fought for and to keep it the way I believe it was promised.  I press on knowing anything that would be lost would not be God's fault, and with all lost there is so much more I gain.  I am happy and blessed with any outcome because I have already won.  Thank You Jesus! 

God bless