Falling out

She screamed, she cried, she fell to the floor

she looked up, she died, then went back for more...

Luke 9:23-24 (HCSB)

Take Up Your Cross

²³ Then He said to them all, “If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily,and follow Me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will save it.
I've done a lot thinking I am allowing God to work in my life. But in all honesty, I have not allowed Him to.  I allow Him access and then I take back control when He is not moving fast enough for me.   Thankfully He is a God of mercy and grace.  

There is a song and the lyrics say " The pain is real even if nobody knows, and I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me."  

I sing the song as if it fits me...but really I can tell you some people know I am dying inside.  Take for instance my mom, whose ear I talk off for what would be hours on end if I did not have children to attend to and my best girlfriend who hears the same thing over and over and over again.  I thank God for their patience with me as I do not easily move on and if I move on I revisit the same things again as soon as I am hurt again. 

I believe I have forgiven each offense against me most times the instance it happens but at the same time I just can't let go.   I struggle with WHY someone could hurt me the same way time and time again.  How could someone be so selfish and when confronted say sorry then do it all over again and again?  How long before they "Get" it...will they "get" it?   I know my own faults and I pray, I read the Word, I ask for wisdom strength I repent, etc etc.  but I do not see the results of repentance from the other side of this relationship so how do I smile each day I am around them.  To me it is a fake smile because they hurt me and are not really sorry and they intend to keep hurting me....so how can I smile? 

I had a "brilliant" plan...I was going to just act, yep like an actress, I would repeat ad lib lines to each thing they said to me and smile ear to ear.  I am a joyous person by nature, but I feel I am allowing them to rob me of that joy.   I am a goof by nature, I run and dance with my children in the house I sing loud and shout to the Lord, I pray hard and love hard but I feel robbed because I believe if I am "me" then they will see me happy and think it is okay to crush me mentally each chance they get.  I believe they will think I am naive and I don't know what they are doing...I feel I have to let them know.  Why?  "CAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR!!!'" How is it that they get to smile and laugh while I carry this all on my own?  How is it I am expected to not react.  Be angry and sin not?  I only know how to be angry AND SIN... My mouth spouts out abuse to my attacker because I hurt and I want them to know.

My stress levels are so high that my once super thick hair is now thin. Falling out at rapid rates. I eat just to be eating I crave things and have a hard time telling myself no....for any length of time.  I cave to things the children do because I don't feel strong enough to fight more than one battle...  I don't feel humble I feel feeble...
I go to read the Word and the baby cries, then my toddler needs me and it is time to help with home schooling, now lunch needs to be made and then the dishes need cleaned but the baby needs me and I can't wash dishes with one arm.  then the baby falls a sleep but then the toddler screams and then everyone is screaming and I am putting out fires none stop.  It is bed time...all are sleeping and I start to read and I make it through a chapter..if that and I am out like a light till someone cries again.  I am sleep deprived and moody as all get out.  I am a million miles from friends and family and I never leave the house unless it is to take my circus act on the road to church and the grocery store.  It's cold and icing/snowing and there is nothing I can do with an infant outside so that the other children can enjoy fresh air...AHHHHH and all that goes with it.  I want to throw a fit.  

People tell me not to "put up" with the things that are done to me, but they do not truly understand my stance.  I want to honor God.  Though I am not currently truly honoring Him, I can't make matters worse and purposely dishonor Him either.  I look to Him for answers and I get a word from a pastor, one that he says to help the congregation but probably has no idea just how life saving it is to me.  He tells a story he has heard about air in a glass bottle and how the best way to get it out is to put water in...the Word of God is the water. 

So after that message I go home and start thinking about just how I am going to do that.   I fall asleep when it is my free time to read the Word...how can I fill my metaphorical glass with water when I keep passing out?  Well little by little I am getting there, every second of the day I am "on purpose" as a book another pastor pointed me to taught me.  My purpose is to be more Christ like and the way to get there is to stay more in His Word.  so I think often okay I have 1 minute...pick up that bible and read, okay I have another few minutes pick up that bible and read...okay my thoughts are sinking again and I have no time to read my hands are full, turn on that praise music and sing... Casting all wrong thoughts down and lifting Him up in praise, I stay away from being a broken mess on the floor and I wait patiently for the work He is doing in me to come to pass and for the work He is doing in others around me to manifest itself. I am standing and holding on...even if my hair isn't on board with me. ;)




http://www.amazon.com/The-On-Purpose-Person-Making-Sense/dp/0974052515