Dishonor and the "ugly root"

Yesterday did not fall short in lesson teaching.  I very much enjoy when I am talking to someone and during the pause in conversation my ears tune into something someone is saying elsewhere that I needed to hear. I get tonight's title from a tuned in moment .  "People pleasing".  Hearing a Pastor talk about honoring people and how some of us dishonor people, self included, got me thinking about how often I dishonor people who hurt me.  By dishonor I mean I talk about all the the things they have done to me, believe me I have a huge list. 

The problem is, I say I talk about how they hurt me to "vent" but all it does is allow me to channel my negative feelings out and on to someone else, who more than likely is tired of hearing the same complaints day in and day out.  I only feel a relief when I an basically getting angry at the person who hurt me out loud to another person.  Then I feel I have done well because I did not get angry at the person face to face so they did not suffer, but I still look like a fool.  Sad, the person hurt ends up looking like the fool...again. 

Breaking this down I see that I...

•  number one dump negativity in large amounts on people I love and because they love me, they take it and in turn probably pour it back out unknowingly on others,
• number two wear that person out from hearing from me because they know at some point I am going to "vent" my pain to them.
• number three I dishonor the person I am venting about.  Yes they hurt me, yes it was wrong BUT telling someone else how horrible they are is not only making them look worse then they probably are but also making me look like someone who will go behind someones back and talk about them.  Granted I am not making fun of the person, but I am still talking bad about them.

Here is a made up example of how I would not like it done to me.  Again this is a made up example and it is NOT something that actually happened:

Husband comes home from work, house is a disaster from one room to the next, older children are still awake and I am passed out in a chair holding the baby.  Husband did not say anything to me about what he sees but instead takes care of it(yah right lol) and then the next day tells all the men at work how lazy his wife is.  To him that is how it may have appeared but what he didn't know is that on that particular day, I was awake with one or the other of the three children at various points of the night before and I HAD cleaned the house and done all but the dinner dishes but then I sat down for a break and passed out meanwhile the children awake and decide it is a great time for rumpus play and destroy everything I had done.  
Can you imagine how hurt I would have been if my husband had not at least asked me about the mess before telling his co-workers how "lazy" I am?

Now sometimes the person is at fault for the pain or laziness they caused but talking about them does not help them, it doesn't fix the problem, actually it makes it worse because not only were we thinking about how horrible they were, we are no saying it out loud, getting it deep in our minds and hearts.  It is hard to give grace and love someone who we have convinced ourselves is the enemy. 



God is in control, I have seen so much reaping and sowing in my life and around me, both good and bad, I do not have to question if He is going to handle it or not.  Now it does sting when the person reaps of the bad they have been sowing but they are too hard hearted to get why they are reaping it...but I also know just like I am finally starting to get this much....they will eventually get it too.  And I am talking about the people that have to be in our lives, not the ones we can walk away from.  A co-worker is not a choice we make they have to be there, some day they may move on but it is not our choice, a relative is in our lives without choice, a spouse, a child etc.  We can set healthy boundaries but they will still be there.


 It also seems to me, many people also like to relate to others.  One man complains about his wife the next has a better story or similar, same is true about our children, or finances etc.  In the grand scheme of it all, most of us have no one to blame but ourselves and we are actually pretty happy, but we just wanted "Jane" to know we are "bad off" too and to let "Tom" know our wife burns dinners too...etc 


All of this gets into our hearts and minds and pollutes them.  It tends to make us useless and assume the worse of people.
I have seen bitterness in a beautiful person, and IT is ugly.  Bitterness's breeding ground is a heart without grace, a heart that is longing for God to "fix" a situation rather than allowing Him to give it peace, understanding, patience and love.


Is it enough that God knows?  Can I/we be satisfied knowing He is in control?  What good does it do to tell others about how someone hurt us?  If we are seeking prayer we do NOT have to be specific, again God knows and all the people we seek prayer from need to know is the basics.  "I need prayer for myself so I do not become bitter and I need prayer for someone in my life who is hurting me."


None of this is meant to be condemning, quite the opposite.  It is freeing to just trust God, I've done it and know...but I have been picking and choosing the times I will just trust.  Thank God for grace, peace, wisdom...and a brand new day!


1Timothy 2
⁵ For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus,
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.
Psalm 37:5

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act,

 

God bless!

The Heat is ON

The weather is FINALLY warming up, with the gloom lifting from outdoors, my moods seem to be more uplifting as well.  So what happens when I start to feel better, well the enemy cranks up the "heat".  Health issues, financial strains, broken appliances and people making poor choices which only effect the people who already sacrifice....oh it all leaves my spirit in war with my flesh even more so than normal. 

I want to shout out "IT'S NOT FAIR"...or socially crawl under a rock(metaphorical rock).  Saddly I am not far from already being under a rock, friends and family are far from me, gas is insufficient I rarely leave this house that has all but entombed me and my children.  Oh maybe it is a bit dramatic but gosh darn it, I have been on the verge of stir crazy for some time... Blessedly I love to clean and rearrange and this is how I spend my near break down times, music cranked and children dancing, they have no clue mom is singing, dancing and cleaning to stay sane.

I have cried to one friend so many times I often find myself laying the phone back down and just trying to change my thought pattern, which is healthier anyway...for most people anyway.  I tend to do well till a straw breaks the camels back, then I end up trying to calm this eruption of fire inside me.  Through prayer and reading the Word daily I have gotten better at just shutting up, but I do ask how long will this go on.  Will certain people ever learn how destructive and selfish their behavior is to the people they...love???

I sigh...cause like Solomon said, it's all meaningless.  In the grand scheme of life I have no reason to complain.  Comparing myself to the poor in a third world country I should never have a tear falling from my eyes, I have never tasted the pain they have.  But as some say, pain is pain is pain.  We each feel it based on our own personal life experiences.  One thing is for sure, I can teach my children how to avoid my mistakes, yet I am left praying they follow my advice and not my past footprints.

Oh the heat is on and I have been feeling like a stick of butter, melting and being spread too thin on a piece of over toasted bread, being crammed into a large mouth that is just mouhing down and chasing me back with a gallon of milk....pretty descriptive?  Well I am feeling pretty descriptive tonight.    I never said this would all be sunshine, just that it would be about my struggles and achievements. 

Achievement 1 for tonight I let my pain out...somewhat...here in this blog, and now I will pray some more and if the children allow I will read more, otherwise I am off to a tv to crank up TBN or a like station. 

James 5:16
Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
Please pray for me I am praying for you all in spirit.

Move Along Now...Nothing To See

1 Thessalonians 4:11(NLT)

¹¹ Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.

Not leaving well enough alone...killing all sorts of relationships since the dawn of time.  If your answer to the question, "Will this matter if I or they left this earth?" is no, it will not matter, then let it be.  Who cares how that post was meant to be read, who cares who it is for, who cares how many "More" children this person is gonna have and how many times that girl got sick and how many times the other girl is having a down day...unless you want to help out in a way they would appreciate...move along nothing to see.

"Oh but they put their business on a public social media site.  They are asking for judgement!"  No, really they are more than likely looking for someone to say, " I get you, I have been there, I'm so sorry it's that way, Praying for you, Want to go to lunch?, Hey I have time, I'm on my way over..." etc

If they are "asking" for judgement, then so is the person judging them.

Matthew 7:1-3(HCSB)

Do Not Judge

7 “Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged. ² For with the judgment you use, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ³ Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye?God IS Love, so when I say Love is all that matters, it works on more than one level.  Love IS all that matters.  Love the people in your life, judge them and they will turn from us, help them and they will run to us.  Help doesn't mean enable, some times practical advice is all that is needed with a follow up. 

I have heard and read it before and I saw it on a sign in a woman's office on Friday, love it... "Be the change you want to see."  Everyone of us is influencing someone...hope it is in a good way.

God bless!

Falling out

She screamed, she cried, she fell to the floor

she looked up, she died, then went back for more...

Luke 9:23-24 (HCSB)

Take Up Your Cross

²³ Then He said to them all, “If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily,and follow Me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will save it.
I've done a lot thinking I am allowing God to work in my life. But in all honesty, I have not allowed Him to.  I allow Him access and then I take back control when He is not moving fast enough for me.   Thankfully He is a God of mercy and grace.  

There is a song and the lyrics say " The pain is real even if nobody knows, and I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me."  

I sing the song as if it fits me...but really I can tell you some people know I am dying inside.  Take for instance my mom, whose ear I talk off for what would be hours on end if I did not have children to attend to and my best girlfriend who hears the same thing over and over and over again.  I thank God for their patience with me as I do not easily move on and if I move on I revisit the same things again as soon as I am hurt again. 

I believe I have forgiven each offense against me most times the instance it happens but at the same time I just can't let go.   I struggle with WHY someone could hurt me the same way time and time again.  How could someone be so selfish and when confronted say sorry then do it all over again and again?  How long before they "Get" it...will they "get" it?   I know my own faults and I pray, I read the Word, I ask for wisdom strength I repent, etc etc.  but I do not see the results of repentance from the other side of this relationship so how do I smile each day I am around them.  To me it is a fake smile because they hurt me and are not really sorry and they intend to keep hurting me....so how can I smile? 

I had a "brilliant" plan...I was going to just act, yep like an actress, I would repeat ad lib lines to each thing they said to me and smile ear to ear.  I am a joyous person by nature, but I feel I am allowing them to rob me of that joy.   I am a goof by nature, I run and dance with my children in the house I sing loud and shout to the Lord, I pray hard and love hard but I feel robbed because I believe if I am "me" then they will see me happy and think it is okay to crush me mentally each chance they get.  I believe they will think I am naive and I don't know what they are doing...I feel I have to let them know.  Why?  "CAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR!!!'" How is it that they get to smile and laugh while I carry this all on my own?  How is it I am expected to not react.  Be angry and sin not?  I only know how to be angry AND SIN... My mouth spouts out abuse to my attacker because I hurt and I want them to know.

My stress levels are so high that my once super thick hair is now thin. Falling out at rapid rates. I eat just to be eating I crave things and have a hard time telling myself no....for any length of time.  I cave to things the children do because I don't feel strong enough to fight more than one battle...  I don't feel humble I feel feeble...
I go to read the Word and the baby cries, then my toddler needs me and it is time to help with home schooling, now lunch needs to be made and then the dishes need cleaned but the baby needs me and I can't wash dishes with one arm.  then the baby falls a sleep but then the toddler screams and then everyone is screaming and I am putting out fires none stop.  It is bed time...all are sleeping and I start to read and I make it through a chapter..if that and I am out like a light till someone cries again.  I am sleep deprived and moody as all get out.  I am a million miles from friends and family and I never leave the house unless it is to take my circus act on the road to church and the grocery store.  It's cold and icing/snowing and there is nothing I can do with an infant outside so that the other children can enjoy fresh air...AHHHHH and all that goes with it.  I want to throw a fit.  

People tell me not to "put up" with the things that are done to me, but they do not truly understand my stance.  I want to honor God.  Though I am not currently truly honoring Him, I can't make matters worse and purposely dishonor Him either.  I look to Him for answers and I get a word from a pastor, one that he says to help the congregation but probably has no idea just how life saving it is to me.  He tells a story he has heard about air in a glass bottle and how the best way to get it out is to put water in...the Word of God is the water. 

So after that message I go home and start thinking about just how I am going to do that.   I fall asleep when it is my free time to read the Word...how can I fill my metaphorical glass with water when I keep passing out?  Well little by little I am getting there, every second of the day I am "on purpose" as a book another pastor pointed me to taught me.  My purpose is to be more Christ like and the way to get there is to stay more in His Word.  so I think often okay I have 1 minute...pick up that bible and read, okay I have another few minutes pick up that bible and read...okay my thoughts are sinking again and I have no time to read my hands are full, turn on that praise music and sing... Casting all wrong thoughts down and lifting Him up in praise, I stay away from being a broken mess on the floor and I wait patiently for the work He is doing in me to come to pass and for the work He is doing in others around me to manifest itself. I am standing and holding on...even if my hair isn't on board with me. ;)




http://www.amazon.com/The-On-Purpose-Person-Making-Sense/dp/0974052515

But A River Runs Through It...

There is a place that seems cold, dark and lonely...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where time seems to stand still and pain abounds...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where laughter is not heard but as a mocking sound in the distance, where tears flow like waterfalls to the earth below which swallows them whole, never to be seen...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where she is her own worst enemy and madness abounds, where she is kept prisoner bound by invisible chains, onlookers scoff at her in disbelief of her inability to move, they can't see the chains that bind...
But a river runs through it.

There is a place where she screams out for help knowing to get help she must first help herself.  In a ball she hides under strong wings, she clings to the strong tower.  There she is kept safe, loving hands reach for her, but she only can grab the fingertips, she is holding on with all her might feeling that at any moment she will fall, again...She lets go and the monster is unleashed, she is in a place of fear and torment...
But a river runs through it.

She tries to run from herself, but she knows nothing can change what she is deep inside.  She runs day and night stopping only to breakdown, in her weakness she stands and cries from the depths of her soul...It's the cry of a warrior she takes off charging toward the valley.  She looks to the mountains that surround her and then to the sky, the sun drenches her face with warm rays which energize her.  The wings of shelter she once hid under sweep down and fly beside her as she charges onward through the valley knocking over the evil that lurks at every dark hollow,  the hands that have held her are there to catch her if she should fall as she climbs out of the valley.  Finally out of the valley she doesn't dare look back she charges onward through the strength that sustains her. In the distance she can hear laughter.  The screams of torment coming from behind her are being drowned out by the joyful song of the river which runs through her world, through her spirit.    She reaches the river and runs straight in. The water washes over her and she is fully submerged, she rises out of the river washed and refreshed, the chains have dissolved and she is free.

Ahead she can see a young woman scared and frightened. The woman, noticing the presence of light sinks back into the shadows of her own torment.   The warrior emerges no longer bound by chains but now wrapped in compassion. The warrior glides toward the darkness, with each step she takes the light from inside her is bursting out lighting the way before her.  The young woman is now out of site in the shadow land...but a river runs through it.

Isaiah 12:3
You will joyfully draw water from the springs of salvation,

Isaiah 49:10
They will not hunger or thirst, the scorching heat or sun will not strike them; for their compassionate One will guide them, and lead them to springs of water.

John 4:14
But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again—ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”

Revelation 7:17
For the Lamb who is at the center of the throne will shepherd them; He will guide them to springs of living waters, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Revelation 21:6
And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give water as a gift to the thirsty from the spring of life.

Freeing...Relieving...Sweet...Honesty

I heard something on WBGL radio and as usual it was inspiring.  It would have been great to have the op to reshare...but here is what I retained, a person had posted on FB about how many times we post the highlights of our days and people only hear the good.  Many people get discouraged because they think our lives are great and we have it all together.  She was very open about how blessed she felt but yet still felt she could not do life on her own.  She thanked God she did not have to do life on her own.

So confession...this is how I have felt two nights in a row...I know just how blessed I am and how bad some people truly have it, yet I end up on my knees crying before God and asking for help.  Things come against me from every angle and the weight of my world comes down on me.  I have asked for prayer many times for a lot of things and I at times get teary eyed but this last time I stepped forward for prayer I wanted to ball my eyes out I tried to hold off any crying, because I personally hate crying in public yet I actually had a mild cry going on enough to send me to the restroom after prayer to clean up my raccoon eyes, nothing can be done for the Rudolph nose.

Today, I still had a stinging pain from the day before, yet each day is a new start and I was determined to make this one better...But plans change...

Here's how it went, started out productive, DJ had school, had him up, fed, dressed, teeth brushed etc.  He was ready.   I usually leave my two year old sleeping till close to time to take DJ to school.  I take a diaper to her bed and the wipes I am ready to get her all fresh and ready to leave...then I noticed, sometime after she laid her sweet little head down last night she pooped...So we will NOT be on time for school today and she has what we call "ouchy butt".  So I clean her up as she cringes the entire time and I mentally beat myself for not smelling her before I went to bed, since I went to bed               after her.  DJ being late would not be a big deal....except, the school he went to last year said if the assembly was still going on they were not late so we just dropped him off without a conflict.  I did not find out this school was different until Friday when I went in to make sure his inhaler went with him on his field trip and they requested I sign him in since he was late...I was shocked...it was two minutes early when I pulled in and assembly was JUST starting.  Also the handbook said "take up time" was X time so I thought that was when they started taking them...apparently not.  Well I was happy I was newly informed and was positive we would be on time in the future...AHHHNNNNTTTT...not the case for the first day after my official informing.

So he had two hours at school, then we went to pick him up for the appointment.  My two year old decided she wanted to sit in a little rocking chair behind the counter in the office...I defended the office area well for about two minutes and then the woman who worked there said she could sit in the chair.  Two more minutes later and DJ arrived at the office and tried to sit in the little chair himself and my two year old bolted to the next open door, then further into the office past the chair...it was a great time...no, not really.  So finally signed out we make our trip to the appointment at hand.  Four minutes off my planned time...but still due to be early.  Feeling like mom of the year I hand DJ a yogurt drink and he is thrilled...SCORE 1 for mom...

We arrive at the appointment and my two year old checks out the fish and runs through the waiting room.  An older woman gives me THE eye as the receptionist asks me personal questions which can be heard by those near by.  Although I feel judged I actually feel for her in this case, cause I know what the Word of God says about judgement.  Now checked in I begin my trips to the water fountain and fish tank to keep my youngest angel happy.  Praise God we are called early this time and when our name is called little angel shouts it out as loud as can be for all to hear as she cheers it is our turn! 

Now for the weigh in. One child needs weighed but the other believes she needs weighed too. DJ is hanging on the bar in front of the scale and then stays on after he is asked by the nurse to move to the next station.  Once I ask he then begins to move.  Temp check we get a screech out of him as he cringes, this is one of his pet peeves...people touching his ears. We make it to the room and now it is time to block and defend the area again..."No don't touch the pc, no don't open the drawers, no don't play with the bp cuffs..." And that is just DJ. DJ then lays on the floor to watch a movie with his sister who then decides he makes a good trash can and she spits her gum out on him...I have little left in me and I actually laughed and tried to pull it back together to correct her young mind.  Dr. gets in and it gets worse, same activity going on but now I must redirect and correct two children while trying to listen to the Dr., ask questions and give answers to questions being asked.  And I wonder how it is I forget to ask things or forget what was told to me...lol So we make it to the examination and DJ is laying flat and will not sit up, insists the bed be raised to the sitting position...I find the "magic" word by the grace of God and he sits up, does much better for a while.  We survive the examination and even the nurses test after, we are released and my little angel flies off toward the lab and DJ heads the opposite direction...both are the wrong way but I must choose who is more of a danger to themselves and others and I pick the little angel...rounding her up I chase down the other and head to check out, where little angel finds a door and decides to practice a near honed skill and pulls the handle down and heads out to the waiting area...DJ flies out after her and I get to her and grab her up into my arms...resting now nicely on her baby brother or sisters hiney in my tummy...The nurse follows out to scold DJ for running off from me...and I just practice my breathing as we finish the routine...which I pray is no longer the "routine"  I pray it becomes the rare occasion and not the norm.  We get to the van and at once I feel peace again...in my van...I am in control to some degree.  I cannot control the noise level but they are strapped in and are going where I say they are going :D muwahahahaha.  The remainder of the trip went well and DJ got back in time to finish school.  This was just a four hour glimpse at the chaos that has gone on daily for some time.  At the pharmacy I am told I am brave by the lady behind the counter after she asks me what number baby this is.  She says 1 was all she could handle.  I get a flashback of my recent moment on my hands and knees crying out to God and I say.  "I wonder at times how I am going to do it, but it doesn't make me want this baby any less."  I wish I had given God the glory, but those were not the words I had at the time...I miss opportunities to share His goodness and grace, the way He alone lifts me out of my pit, I miss teaching my children things from time to time, I spill food on my shirt, I have clothes I can't get stains out of, I get overwhelmed by life at times and I freeze and my house suffers and then I pay the price trying to catch back up...BUT I am growing and I am blessed.  I love my children and I am so thankful God chose me to raise these particular children, I am thankful for the difficulties I face WITH them and the joy we get when we figure something out.  I don't always show my gratitude outwardly...but He sees my heart.  As the saying goes... "I am not as good as I want to be, as great as one day I will be, but thanks to God I am so much better than I used to be." 

Philippians 1:6

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

God bless

Messy and at times uncontrolable

I was possibly the worlds worst planner.  I had a huge problem with procrastination.  After hearing the phrase "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." .  I began reevaluating my planning methods...or lack there of. 

I can say I am now a much better planner, although there are those who judge me often which may disagree, I know where I came from and I know where I am heading...God is my witness and that is ALL that matters.  That being said, being better still doesn't make perfect and people can still let you down. 

Feeling good about putting a plan in place over a month in advance, I sat back believing all was well.  I did not have a "plan B"  I did not see a need to, silly me.  Also plan B was not really an option, plan A maxed out my resources. 

My husband and I are far form made of money and when a plan which costs us very little backfires at the last minute and leaves us with our only options being; a huge expense or putting others in an imposition which makes it appear we were not on top of our game...unfortunately we must opt for the attempt to have others at an imposition too.

THAT being said, my attempts to "de-stress" my life from all unnecessary stress gets thrown out the window, and then add some pregnancy hormones on top and we have a not so great start to a week.  However the bright side of this all is...my character is intact.  I have not compromised who I am and what I believe.  What does this stem from?  My civic duty to serve on a jury. 

I enjoy learning things and I enjoy doing what is needed, being involved in what takes place in our government.  When asked if there were any hardships our family may experience as a result, I listed the lack of daycare for our children and the lack of funds to support daycare if needed and the cost of gas.  This was an honest answer and one which was not of concern to our system.  They do pay...2-4 weeks AFTER the duty has been fulfilled and the payment is far below the cost incurred if you are like me, a SAHM who has no need for a sitter and the people she knows and trusts are all NOT SAHMs, a woman who usually only makes out of town trips once every two weeks and tries to get all her things done at once to save on gas, who's husband is frequently on call and cannot be counted on as a care provider for the children, whose income makes it so we are living pay check to pay check. 

Since the system does not recognize this as a hardship, and I am called to serve I have only two choices, do it or lie.  I don't lie...so I serve, give God praise for the experience, pray for provision, peace in a crazy mess and thank Him for the people willing to make a sacrifice to help out in this time of chaos. 

While the jury duty crisis is ongoing so is "normal" life.  My 8 yr old is still experiencing the symptoms of ODD, ADHD and PTSD.  So while trying to hold all the everyday last minute planning together I have a toddler which believes the world revolves around her every need...the case of many toddlers and an 8yr old who also believes the world revolves around him and his every need.  Oh and there is the cell phone...yes, the nasty intrusion to life...which I am trying to not answer in times of chaos.  This may seem selfish, but really it is for everyone's protection.  I do not have to yell over my children screaming and I do not have to feel bad when I am rude or not attentive on the phone due to the chaos around me.  For some people their children can be hanging from the chandeliers and it doesn't seem to phase them...I am not "some people"  it DOES phase me and I cannot focus on any one thing well while this is going on.  Answering the phone is NOT fair to anyone involved.  (side note...I am not saying people are an intrusion, as long as the understand a cell phone doesn't mean I should be available 24/7)

This being said I am asked for a banana from my toddler while we are home.  The store is not far and I like bananas too...it is a good request.  I get the children suited up for leaving the home and we go to get some bananas.  Just as we arrive in the parking lot I get a phone call, this one I answer and ask if I can call back when I am done, then mid-sentence  the other line beeps in, I miss that caller and decide it is best to just call back later when I am home. While in the store at the check out, I can feel the eyes of a man on me and the children.  He appears to be smiling...but in sort of a shocked way, as I attempt to redirect my children from touching and grabbing everything in site and stopping the transaction a few times to get my toddler who is walking off and interested in what her brother who is not listening to instructions is doing.   I am sure at this point I look like the worst mom in the world and to top it off they can all tell there is another child on the way.  BUT, if there is one thing I have learned through all the stares I have gotten since my sons first two year old public meltdown to all his present public meltdowns, it's that God is my judge.  I know I am not always the Jesus to my children I need to be, but I am a work in progress and
Philippians 1:6

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I allow myself to learn from my mistakes and to take each experience and grow from it.  My mind can tend to wonder off to the "Why me Lord?  Why was I placed in an authority position over a child who seems as though they would do better being born to a Dr. or just a person who is naturally perking and able to always speak calmly and without sarcasm."  Then I realize...I am not God, and He chose me and He chose my children and their personalities to be with me, under my care and guidance.   Although from the outside looking in I look like more of a mess than I am, and although many people see me at my most stressed out moments when there is MUCH to critique...God seems me 24/7 every moment of my life and of their lives and He knows this momma's heart, her struggles, weaknesses and strengths and HE alone is judge.  He is just and such a patient Father to me.  He guides me and strengthens me.  Most importantly to my sanity...He forgives me...Thank God He forgives.

Special hugs to all mommas and daddies alike, who are feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood, God has got your back, trust in Him and draw nearer to Him and He will draw nearer to you.

James 4:8
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.