Messy and at times uncontrolable

I was possibly the worlds worst planner.  I had a huge problem with procrastination.  After hearing the phrase "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." .  I began reevaluating my planning methods...or lack there of. 

I can say I am now a much better planner, although there are those who judge me often which may disagree, I know where I came from and I know where I am heading...God is my witness and that is ALL that matters.  That being said, being better still doesn't make perfect and people can still let you down. 

Feeling good about putting a plan in place over a month in advance, I sat back believing all was well.  I did not have a "plan B"  I did not see a need to, silly me.  Also plan B was not really an option, plan A maxed out my resources. 

My husband and I are far form made of money and when a plan which costs us very little backfires at the last minute and leaves us with our only options being; a huge expense or putting others in an imposition which makes it appear we were not on top of our game...unfortunately we must opt for the attempt to have others at an imposition too.

THAT being said, my attempts to "de-stress" my life from all unnecessary stress gets thrown out the window, and then add some pregnancy hormones on top and we have a not so great start to a week.  However the bright side of this all is...my character is intact.  I have not compromised who I am and what I believe.  What does this stem from?  My civic duty to serve on a jury. 

I enjoy learning things and I enjoy doing what is needed, being involved in what takes place in our government.  When asked if there were any hardships our family may experience as a result, I listed the lack of daycare for our children and the lack of funds to support daycare if needed and the cost of gas.  This was an honest answer and one which was not of concern to our system.  They do pay...2-4 weeks AFTER the duty has been fulfilled and the payment is far below the cost incurred if you are like me, a SAHM who has no need for a sitter and the people she knows and trusts are all NOT SAHMs, a woman who usually only makes out of town trips once every two weeks and tries to get all her things done at once to save on gas, who's husband is frequently on call and cannot be counted on as a care provider for the children, whose income makes it so we are living pay check to pay check. 

Since the system does not recognize this as a hardship, and I am called to serve I have only two choices, do it or lie.  I don't lie...so I serve, give God praise for the experience, pray for provision, peace in a crazy mess and thank Him for the people willing to make a sacrifice to help out in this time of chaos. 

While the jury duty crisis is ongoing so is "normal" life.  My 8 yr old is still experiencing the symptoms of ODD, ADHD and PTSD.  So while trying to hold all the everyday last minute planning together I have a toddler which believes the world revolves around her every need...the case of many toddlers and an 8yr old who also believes the world revolves around him and his every need.  Oh and there is the cell phone...yes, the nasty intrusion to life...which I am trying to not answer in times of chaos.  This may seem selfish, but really it is for everyone's protection.  I do not have to yell over my children screaming and I do not have to feel bad when I am rude or not attentive on the phone due to the chaos around me.  For some people their children can be hanging from the chandeliers and it doesn't seem to phase them...I am not "some people"  it DOES phase me and I cannot focus on any one thing well while this is going on.  Answering the phone is NOT fair to anyone involved.  (side note...I am not saying people are an intrusion, as long as the understand a cell phone doesn't mean I should be available 24/7)

This being said I am asked for a banana from my toddler while we are home.  The store is not far and I like bananas too...it is a good request.  I get the children suited up for leaving the home and we go to get some bananas.  Just as we arrive in the parking lot I get a phone call, this one I answer and ask if I can call back when I am done, then mid-sentence  the other line beeps in, I miss that caller and decide it is best to just call back later when I am home. While in the store at the check out, I can feel the eyes of a man on me and the children.  He appears to be smiling...but in sort of a shocked way, as I attempt to redirect my children from touching and grabbing everything in site and stopping the transaction a few times to get my toddler who is walking off and interested in what her brother who is not listening to instructions is doing.   I am sure at this point I look like the worst mom in the world and to top it off they can all tell there is another child on the way.  BUT, if there is one thing I have learned through all the stares I have gotten since my sons first two year old public meltdown to all his present public meltdowns, it's that God is my judge.  I know I am not always the Jesus to my children I need to be, but I am a work in progress and
Philippians 1:6

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I allow myself to learn from my mistakes and to take each experience and grow from it.  My mind can tend to wonder off to the "Why me Lord?  Why was I placed in an authority position over a child who seems as though they would do better being born to a Dr. or just a person who is naturally perking and able to always speak calmly and without sarcasm."  Then I realize...I am not God, and He chose me and He chose my children and their personalities to be with me, under my care and guidance.   Although from the outside looking in I look like more of a mess than I am, and although many people see me at my most stressed out moments when there is MUCH to critique...God seems me 24/7 every moment of my life and of their lives and He knows this momma's heart, her struggles, weaknesses and strengths and HE alone is judge.  He is just and such a patient Father to me.  He guides me and strengthens me.  Most importantly to my sanity...He forgives me...Thank God He forgives.

Special hugs to all mommas and daddies alike, who are feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood, God has got your back, trust in Him and draw nearer to Him and He will draw nearer to you.

James 4:8
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

Did I say I was over it?

Not sure...but did I say I was over "it"?  Cause I don't believe I was. 

My heart always wants to let go of things I have no business holding on to and somethings I have no business even caring about. Every time I open the Word there is something I feel I need to take away for my growth. Every resource I have read and every great speaker/preacher I have ever heard has given me great tools.  As I apply what I have learned to my life I begin to feel I have overcome another stronghold.  Yet often times I fall back into it, little by little.  So little I do not notice I am going back to old ways.

There are many things I was freed from in an instant and I say completely...meaning they may be a temptation but I know to submit to God and not the temptation and I went far enough down the road in the temptation in my past to know there is no life for me on that road.  So it seems, at times, for me,  I need to hit a rock bottom in every stronghold before I am truly freed from it.

For instance we will go with my biggest pet peeve... "The Liar".  I am not saying everyone who has been in my life has been a liar and I am not saying I never lied about anything myself.  What I am saying is I have been surrounded by various liars in my life at all times of my life since I was old enough to know what I lie really was.  My hatred for lies is so deep in me I sin myself trying to unmask the liar and expose the truth.  My hope?  To not hurt again and to get them on the straight and narrow path.  My outcome, a liar is still a liar..."I" can't fix that.  No amount of detective work will ever (more than likely) change a person who lies. 

So let's go back a few lines here... : "My hope?  To not hurt again..."   Let's take a look at hurt...It is said "Hurting people hurt people."  It is odd because in the past I almost always used this directed at those who hurt me.  I hadn't really saw my self as a hurt person who hurt others....but I was and I still can be.

The pain I have felt in my life can, if not dealt with properly, can cause me to judge every person based on what others have done and it could cause me to react to them in a hurtful way...Some say "kill or be killed" well for many of us who have lived a life full of pain...self inflicted or inflicted by others, it is "hurt or be hurt". 

In my many years of playing detective, actively and inactively I learned not that long ago, it was not helping anyone and it was actually hurting me more.  Still the thought of not knowing the truth was getting me so worked up I could barely function, as a mom, a wife, a friend...a child of God...  I think it took three separate times of a Pastor at our church saying "Your ability to resist temptation is in direct line with your submission to God"  before I got what it meant in my life ( I quoted this but it may not be word for word...but this is the meat of it for sure.)  Hearing that sure stung...but I was initially thinking more about my ability to stay away from too much "free time" and things like that.  But the last time I heard him say it I believe I got it...I grabbed it and applied it at least, I may not be healed of the detective tendency but I am definitely surrendering my will to His now.

Being an investigator is something GOD made me to be...BUT I had OVER applied what HE gave me.  In my past I have had two full time jobs where investigating various things was my actual job.  I took that gift and brought it into my personal life where God never intended it to be.   No matter how good I am at playing detective I will never be as good as God at it.  He knows before the person does anything...He knew before they were born, at this moment in their life they would do _____.   He had a plan for this before they were born.  I needed to step out and step DOWN.

By doing just that...stepping out of the way and stepping down,  I have been able to regain more of my life I had given up to playing detective for no pay and no lasting reward.  My husband's lunches are better prepared for his surprise trips on call and I can think of his needs more...which his back and feet enjoy.  My 2 year old can sing the alphabet with me and we play more one on one games, my middle child is completing practice education for the next grade and sharing stories with me, my oldest is being heard and really seen for who he is and who he is becoming more.  My house is staying clean and does not need me to stay up half way into the morning to accomplish the task.  My family/friends get more time to talk (I am a talker by nature too)  I do not redirect the conversation as much to my need to "vent".

See seeking the truth is still important to me...yes seeking the TRUTH is still very important. 

John 14:6
Jesus told him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.

So if there is an area you are struggling in, don't give up.  Keep praying, I still do for this and other areas of weakness.  Pray for Him to strengthen you, pray to be the person He wants you to be and then take the steps to draw nearer to Him and to live your life as if He were you...what would He do in each case?  How would He handle that?  Could He still be a great healer if He focused mostly on _____?  Could He be great at all He was called to do without living life as the Father directed Him to?  We are NOOOO Jesus, but we are strengthened by Him and..."God does not call the equipped He equips the called."  We've all been called to something, and He has equipped us to handle this calling.  He has also done this for us...

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it.

Whatever your temptation, it is not too great for Him to handle. Seek Him and look for the biblical way of escape from the temptation and take the escape.

Philippians 3:13-15
Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. Therefore, all who are mature should think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you. God bless

So painful, so freeing

I finished reading "Marriage From God's perspective" by Robb Thompson, my second book in a month...might I add :)  I must say, there were times my anger flared...but I had to ask myself, " Why is my anger flaring?  Am I angry at the Pastor who wrote this book?  Am I angry at God who designed us?  Am I angry with my husband...or am I angry with me?"

The painful truth was... I was angry with me.  I was angry because I had let MY feelings get in the way of God's plan for my life and my marriage. 

Let me tell you if you have never heard clearly from the enemy you might just hear him in your ear at every line which describes you in this book and he will even try to get you to focus on the lines which speak to your spouse...BUT

^{John 10:4-5
4} After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.”So I am saying "shut up" to the enemy throughout the book and shut up to my flesh.

My daughter who is 2, has liked to throw toys at her 8yr old brother.  She knows he will run and take cover, this to her is a game.  It hasn't mattered what discipline she has been given she still has gone back to throwing toys at him.  One day I said to my son, "Why don't you redirect her attention to another game?  Offer to play blocks with her, and actually let her play."  He tried my advice and sure enough she sat down peacefully and they worked together to build things with the blocks.

My 8yr old was under attack at no fault of his own, though his dodging created a game atmosphere for her, he did nothing to encourage her to begin to throw toys at him.  He, not being at fault, was still in control of the situation.  Once he changed...she changed. 

This was very painful for my 8 yr old, he does not like to take advice especially when he is being asked to be the "bigger person".  Much like his pain, we all face pain too when we have to be the bigger person.  The enemy likes to remind us that we are the ones that always have to be the bigger person and that maybe the other person will just not come around to our efforts and we will always be the bigger person without any reward here on this earth.  But with submission to God and prayer our efforts will not be in vain and a little pain(emotional) now or even a lot of pain(emotional) is so worth the outcome of submission to His ways.  My son still gets attacked by his sister, and he does not always remember my advice, but that lesson is still in his mind and I still remind him of how well it worked.  She still gets my discipline too, but nothing works as well as her brother getting down and playing games and such with her.

This works in lots of areas of our life but as I read in the above mentioned book, it is a great tool in our marriages as well.  If our spouse is not meeting our needs, or is not following God's plans for marriage, we still need to submit to what God expects from us.  When we choose to go our own way and act out on our feelings we end up not only pushing our spouse further away from God's plan, we end up further away ourselves and we develop a pattern which is hard to break.

So...painful to hear that no matter what (unless physical and severe mental abuse, in these cases seek professional/Pastoral help immediately) we need to keep on with God's design for our marriage...but after the initial pain there is freedom and peace.  Freedom and peace because it is in God's hands and we know we are walking in His ways and that is all we are in control of...ourselves.

Matthew 5:8-9

⁸ The pure in heart are blessed,
for they will see God.
⁹ The peacemakers are blessed,for they will be called sons of God.

Psalm 119:112

I am resolved to obey Your statutes to the very end.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

⁴ since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments ⁵ and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ.