I was watching my children in silence at the table today during breakfast...I was in silence they were in debate, torturing each other...whatever you would like to call it, My 9yr old was angry at my 3 yr old and my 3 yr old just wanted to "touch" my 9 yr old. My infant just wanted to eat and so did I. As the battle waged on the dialogue went like this.
9yr old: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! She keeps trying to touch me!
Me: Leave him alone, keep your hands to yourself and eat your food. Be nice. And you calm down she is not hurting you she just wants to touch you. Let her touch you touch her back and then say " Okay now let's eat".
3Yr old is reaching to touch still.
9yr old: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I will never let her touch me! I'm going to spank you!
Me: (trying to calm myself) Okay, please understand, she is just trying to get a reaction from you, you are giving her quite a show. (jumping around in his chair and moving his chair all around.) Just redirect her like we have been working on.
9 yr old: No!!!
At that moment, I believe the Holy Spirit spoke to me and reminded me that my life is much like what was happening at my table...yes that was my life, but my unspoken dialogue with God is often the same as my 9yr old's to me. I want problems to leave me alone and go away, He is telling me how to get them to, in fact he gave me a whole book of instructions. I know they work because I have used them before and seen how they work, yet I keep reverting back to doing things MY way. and the "3yr old" keeps trying to touch me.
From the outside looking in, it is clear that I should just follow His will and His way. Yet from the inside, it is clear that my intent doesn't match my action. I seem to become "blind" to what I am doing and often times I do not even realize I am doing things "My way". I love the Father and I would never purposely not follow His instruction. But am I purposing myself to be in His Word enough? Do I realize when I am being distracted? Am I on task for His plan for me? Do I know what His plan for me is? Am I trusting Him?
I recently found out that I had buried a lot of pain in my life. I thought I was done with it. I had been trying to convince myself it no longer existed instead of working it out through Christ. I had lied to myself and said I was healed of all kinds of emotional pain that I really wasn't healed from. That coupled by the recent seemingly non-stop attacks and I had become a "closet monster". The closet monster doesn't show it's self in "daylight" aka public, but once it's "dark", aka behind closed doors, the beast is unleashed. I try to hold myself together but I am powerless, I am a mess and at times I can't stop myself from getting angry and sinning(yelling/cussing). I can bottle up the things that hurt me and cause mega stress, but "contents under pressure may explode" and they have always exploded. It's ugly. So I entered a new to me program at my church, and I am not free yet, but I am closer to freedom than I have been in years and that feels good.
I dedicate this new step in recovery to my dad who left this earth to be with the Father June 13th 2012. He loved hearing about what I came out of and how it all happened, I know someday we will get to finish conversations we started and never got to finish. When I look back on the things that my dad said to me, even things my grandmother who passed said to me, it is clear how they were used in God's plan for my life. I am so grateful I always used this scripture below to explain myself, but I never had as much of a handle on it till I started the recovery class.
Romans 7
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin
Please know you do not have to have been an alcoholic or have used drugs to need a recovery program. There are so many areas we as people can have struggles in. You can copy and paste the link below to your browser and see where you can start celebrating recovery in your area! Not one in your area? Talk to your church leaders and see if they know of programs that can help you and remember we are followers of Christ, not of men.
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/
God bless!
No comments:
Post a Comment